Monday, October 31, 2005

I lookin the mirror and don't know who've I become recently. I have been so damn careless and stupid and wrong and I really am beginning to hate the person I am turning into. It seems to be uncontrollable though. I vow to myself I will change but I just never do. If you would have asked me if I would ever do half the stuff I have done 5 years ago, you would have seen me be completely repulsed that you would even have to ask it.

Damn, I feel so lonely right now. It hit right after I got off the phone with T. I was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and I realized just how lonely I feel. I'm worried about our relationship. I'm worried there is something missing. It's like we get along great, we make each laugh all the time. I love how he is so motivated and going places with his life and yet I still almost seem to be looking somewhere else for something- I don't know what. It crushes me though. I almost feel like I wish we could put our relationship on hold. It's not like I ultimately want to be with anybody but him- it's just like I feel I need this time- mylast year of no responsibility for myself. And he is so far away- I do get lonely. All the time. I feel like I never see him, I feel like he doesnt' hang out with my friends enough, I feel like I am missing out on some things because of him. ANd isn't that terrible? Souldn't that all not matter ifyou love someone? I have no doubt I love him. I just.. I just I don't even know. I'm so mad at myself for not knowing. SOmetimes I just want to go on a break with him but he wuld nevr go for that. I want to be with him in the end. Sometimes just not know and can that even be possible? It's just like I need to have my last little bit of guilt free crazy fun. If he liked to go out it would be no problem. It's just I feel bad going out and I usually end up doing something dumb and stupid and hating myself forever. I hate the guilt ofdoing what everyone else does. Yet, at the same tme it's like I don't want to do it.. God it's so confusing.

I wish I did have God in my life I can't even describe it. I wonder if I would get lonely then? It's just that I am missig something to live for- someone to look up to, to give me strength. It's just me here and well, I'm not doing too well on my own. Now where can I turn?

I always wished for abig sign so I could know God was there. If I need him so much why couldn't he just let me know?? I don't get it. I mean I knwo you arent supposed to test God, but I don't really think of it as testing.. just comforting someone who is really down on their faith at the moment.

I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this stuff. My friends are too gossipy. No one would understand and most importantly not judge me. I need someone who will accept me, and not look down on me.

I feel like I drink too damn much but it's like I can't stop. I've got to be some sort of alcoholic.

I'm messing up my damn life. All my plans. I worry I make too many plans. What if I miss out on something great because it wasn't in the original blueprints?

God, what am I doing?

Please guide me. I need a guide. I beg you. Help me. You said you help sinners well I feel like the biggest of all. Please.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It has been quite a long time since I have written in this thing. Since then a lot has been going through my mind. Mainly why I do the things I do. Does it mean that I am really not happy? I'm beginning to question myself about that a lot lately. Maybe it is because I am afraid and want to sabtoge myself? I think since I have this fear of failure I also have this subconscious sabatoging mechanism. It's like if I screw it up for myself, I can't fail, if one defines failing by being rejected by others, or failing in other's eyes. I tend to sabatoge a lot. I noticed this too in simple things such as playing a game of tennis. I can be ahead by so much and then all the sudden I friggin loose it. Hitting balls all over the place. How can this be all the sudden? I was doing good.. maybe it's because I'm afraid to fail when I really really try. Therefore, I am messing it up for myself. I don't know. That's the only thing I can really think of. I also feel I sabotage me and T's relationship some too. I won't really go into details. I am also lately in this fog of doubt. Am I really happy with it? Then I really want to get engaged but at the same time I think sometimes: what would it be like if I was with another person? I know that sounds completely awful. I know we have this great connection. Our senses of humor fit to the tee, he is smart and successful and motivated. He is nice to me. He loves me. PERFECT. So then why am I having doubts? I think it might have something to do with sex. It's just like I am always disapointed in that realm. I wonder if we had this amazing sex life, would it make a difference at all? Maybe not. But, I love this kid and I have no intentions on leaving him. Every now and then I just have these thoughts.. I think when he moves in December it will be a great time of enlightenment. I will get to see how things will work while he is out in the working world. How much will I miss him? How will things change in regards to us doing things ect. ect.

I think I am phsychologically flawed. Like most people. We all have our issues. I won't dwell too much here. I want happiness but am almost too afraid to let myself have it.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night having these insistant thoughts on how I needed to build up my self confidence. I know I do. Therapy again? So far it hasn't helped. I'm getting discouraged. But I guess I should try try try.

Time for a tiny nap before studying all night long.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm a bad fucking person. I am not going to tell a single soul. Something really bad needs to happen to me. I need to feel the bite of karma. Oh God, why am I so dumb?? I deserve this headache. This nausea. I deserve so much worse!

I hate hate hate myself. I'm weak. I'm dumb.

I don't want to talk to T. I thought about not answering my phone. I'm a dumb bitch.

I hate myself. I really really really do. Fucking bitch.