Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I am bored.

And tired.

My body feels SO worn out. I'm a little worried about it.

I could barely walk up the hill after one of my classes.

I was shaking.

I'm so tired no matter how much I sleep.

I wonder if anything's wrong or if it's just my mind??

I can never really tell, I tend to be quite the hypochondriac.

But I guess I can't really fake shaking.. so yea...

Nip/Tuck=disappointment.

It's gonna rain for the ACL fest.

Come on.. something positive come my way!!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Once again I am realizing how lucky I am. Lucky that I was born into a loving family that is functional...

A guest speaker came into to talk in one of my classes today. Really messed up some of the things parents do to their children. Cutting themselves in front of them, hoping they commit suicide so that they can get into their child's trust fund. It sounds too horrible to be true.. but alas it is. And that is just really really sad. It makes me appriciate my parents and family so much more. I love them, I really do. I know they would be there for me if I ever needed them.

I am being too much a friggin girl. I am having that "fat" time now. I just feel so grossssss. And like I should go to the gym.. just so I feel better about myself but I'm too busy/tired/lazy to walk all the way to campus just for that. I hate being like this though because I know I'm not fat. I just feel like I'm getting a little pudge but I know people would kill me if I complained of this out loud. Why do girls have such self image issues?

I'm a little miffed at myself for skipping class today. But, I really really needed to sleep in. ANd I've learned all this stuff before.. so I think I will be ok.. but I am just not the type of person to ever skip.

Another long day coming up.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Weekend.

The weekend is finally coming to a close. It was a good one I would say. I went up to SM Thursday at midnight just so I could get a little bit more time in with T. We basically just went to bed, but I got to snuggle with him all night long and spend all day Friday with him. We played tennis and he took me out to dinner and bought me roses for no reason. It was really sweet. Man, I totally love him. I have the best times with him and can be my COMPLETE self. Something anybody rarely gets to see. I miss him already!

We skipped out on the game on Saturdya. Got to lazy and Nip/Tuck came in the mail watched that instead. Ended up going to a party that night. I really wasn't in the mood for getting drunk but the punch was just so good. It tasted like watermelon, so I kept drinking and drinking and well,got pretty drunk but not to the beligerant stage. This guy kept hitting on me. I was proud of myself for being so straight forward with him. Usually I feel really weird about it. We were dancing and he came up behind me and started dancing so I eased away.. later he talked to me becasue we were trying ot get my friend to take off her skirt (it was a lingerie party) and he thought I said mine and asked if he could watch. So I told him I have more self respect than that.. and S whisked me away to go dance again thankfully. Later I ran into him again. Ended up going out to smoke a cig with him (why do I do this when I'm drunk?? its a disgusting habit) anyway so we were out there and he was just like "wow you are beautiful" and you know I won't lie. I do like to hear that sort of thing.. it makes me happy, it would make any girl happy. But I was like "look, nothing can happen between us, I have a bf. I don't mind talking to people, making new friends but it can't go beyond that. I totatlly understand if you want to go back in there and meet another available girl." I have never beenso blunt! I normally might have been like "thanks.." and then try to be standoffish the rest of the night. I like the new blunt mehod. Let him know whats up- he can decide what to do from there. And he was respectful.. good old East Texas kids I guess. But he did say "how are you so beautiful?" a couple of times. Could have been the booze talking.. ha. But it's sweet to hear sometims. Oh God. I sound pathetic.

Drama in the apartment again. As always. SOMETHING has to be going on. I'm very dramaless. I realize this. Which is bad because it leaves gaps in conversations. My life is pretty stable. A's is not. She was having issues with G AGAIN. He always gets drunk and dumb. WHich makes A mad... and yadda yadda yadda. She has the most drama of us all. I don't think she would know what to do with herself if there wasnt some sort of drama in her life. Honestly I think she creates it at times. But I love her. I Just don't see how someone could have so many things going on in their lives. Makes me feel boring.

As for emotionally I am doing ok. Having problems driving. I couldn't drive on the highway coming home from T's.. I am worried about driving to ACL fest this weekend. Other than that I'm ok. But I have been really really tired lately.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

new method

So I realized today that I only write obscure things in here. I only write when I am having issues to get them off my chest and I tend to neglect all the good things and everyday things that go on in my life. I guess I am worried about becoming recognizable perhaps.. but then, I dont really think anyone reads this anyway. So I am going to try to just document my days on top of all those obscure worries ect.

So today was an ok day I suppose. I could not fall asleep for the life of me last night. I didn't look at the clock because there was no point to it. I would just worry about how late it was getting and count in my head how many hours of sleep I could get if I fell asleep at that exact moment. I just know that when I woke up the next morning I was not happy. Groggy and grumpy would be an understatement! But I went to class- all went well.

I had my psychiatry appointment today as well. I really liked the guy. He was really in tuned with what was going on with me, the only thing I found odd was his preoccupation with my sexual activity and the fact that I had never had an orgasm. Geez. As if I already don't feel insecure enough about that to have to sit there and talk to a stranger who suggested I consult my OBGYN about it for at least 10 painfully awkward minutes. Did I have a vibrator? Did I masturbate? Jesus. I hardly like talking to my closest friends about that shit!! He also wants to DOUBLE my dosage of meds. I mean, I guess I'll give it a shot. I'm just worried about it.. getting off eventually and stuff. I mean what's the point of taking meds now? Eventually I'm going ot have to deal with this stuff without them, why not it be now? Too late I really started thinking about that on my walk back to my apartment so it was too late to consult the doc. Oh well. I'll give it a shot for now. He thinks I could be doing even better tha I am now, I'm gonna give it a go.

I took a quite delightful nap today. Didn't get ANYTHING accomplished, but you know, that's how the cookie crumbles. I desperately needed that nap. I had the weirdest dreams though. Sex/demons/poop. One disturbign thing (if the previous statement wasn't disturbing enough) is I was looking in the mirror in my dream. It was actually a window that I could see my reflection in and something was not right with me. I was like possessed.. evil.. mean looking. Why I wonder am I portraying myself like that in my reflection?

Watched Nip/Tuck again with A. I already watched those episodes.. guess I can't get enough!!

So N from the hospital wants to get together and go to a volleyball game. I want to go. I'm all up for making friends ect. but I'm worried T will have a problem with it. N knows perfectly well I have a long term relationship. I have been corresponding with him over email for about the past month and its a harmless public volleyball game. I know T will think he wants to get in my pants. He always thinks that about any guy I talk to for some reason. ANd I don't want to not tell him or lie about it. So I guess I just have to mention it and see how he takes it. He thinks people should not make friends of the opposite sex after you are in a committed relationship. I disagree. I shoudnt' be limited to the people I can befriend just because they happen to have a dick. That's gotta be some sort of discrimination. It bothers me, it really does.

But I love T. I'm sooo happy with him. It's incredible. Did I ever think I would find something like this? Nope. But I"m sure happy that I did!!

I guess I should do some reading or something so that I did not have a completely wasteful day.

So I think this was a much better entry. More rounded and more like who I actually am instead of complaints complaints and worries.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Trying.

Trying to get a new perspective on life.
Trying to realize there's worse things in life than having one sleepless night.
Trying to get a grip on worry.
Trying to be a better person.
Trying not to take advantage of all the good things in life I overlook.

I was walking home from the gym the other day. In such a hurry to get back. Then all the sudden it hit me. It was a gorgeous day. Blue skys.. the leaves on all the trees looked so green against the sky. It was beautiful. I walk by it everyday yet I always seem to miss it. One thing comes to mind: slow down.

Everyone always in such a damn rush. I can be different. And take things slowly. Appreciate the little things. Oh is it going to be hard to do this. I have trained myself the other way for so long.. but I want to. Not appriciating.. always rushing to get to the next thing.. makes you unhappy. Living life in the moment. That's what really matters.

I am thankful for so many things in my life. Here is a few:
1. my unbelievable wonderful/supportive family. I always took them for granted until recently when I realized not everyone's family is there for them.
2. My friends. They make me smile.
3. T. He is the best thing to happen to me. We always make each other laugh.. he GETS me. I'm myself. Sometimes I want to say things to other people but I stop myself knowing they wouldn't get it. Makes me value T even more.
4. The opportunities I have in life. I could do anything I wanted to do. I am my own limit. Others are not so lukcy.

Those are the main things. So be happy. You have so much!!

Why are people never satisfied? Maybe it's this biological mechanism so that humans always strive for improvement and the eventual betterment of human kind. Its this evolutionary drive.
Sometimes I wish I could just lay and stare up at my ceiling listening to music and not worry that I am going to be tired the next day or think of all the things I need to get done and I should be doing instead.

I am my own limit. I which I wasn't so afraid sometimes.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Quick post before T calls.

I am happy.

Everything is falling into place.

This is my life.

I'm making something of it.

I have plans.

Everyting I have always wanted.

Whoa. It's too good. That means something HAS to go wrong, right?

Life can never be this good.

A little worried now..

Friday, September 09, 2005

sad?

I have this sad feeling. I don't know why.

I woke up this morning from TWU saying I got into their PT program. This should make me unbelievably happy. And it does.. I was so excited.

I went out to eat with T and my parents. It was great, I was feeling good. My parents bought me a cake. Looking back on that it makes me sad. Why? I can only think I don't feel worthy of such love and support. That thought alone makes me even more sad.

Get home and A Am and the neighbors are in the living room playing poker. I instantly get unhappy. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe I was hoping to have the apartment to myself with T. Ok, so that's explainable a little disapointment.

We leave to go rent a movie, I get more depressed by the minute. I don't want to watch anything. I'm just sad. Why?? The rest of the night- I just want to be alone. Been listening to sad music since T left in the dark. I cried. I don't know if this has anything to do w/ my acceptance. So many things are left hidden in your mind. It's hard to tell what's really going on.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Akward.

I'm staying in my room for a bit. A's in the living room crying/fighting with her parents. It sucks this has to go on, I don't know exactly what it's all about but I have somewhat of an idea. I'm so lucky that my parents can be there for me all the time.

I've been drinking like crazy lately. It needs to stop. My liver is going to give out on me and I just shouldn't drink more than 1, 2 times a week tops. It's just not something I want to do. ANd to have T confront me with it.. that's a bad sign. It's just hard living here. Everything comes up and theres always drinking involved. I need more non-drinking things to do. But what do you do if everyone you hang out w/ drinks all the time? *sigh* Maybe more lonely nights? I dunno.