Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's funny how things can change all the sudden. Im trying to come to terms with my emotions as I am sitting here int he dark writting this.

I have always struggled with depression. Now when my closest friend talks to me about how she thinks about killing herself I almost feel mad. I'm tryng to figure out why this is. Shouildn't someone who has experienced these feelings herself be more empathetic than anything else? I might be mad because I try hard to conceal my depression in order not to burden those around me. And maybe I am upset because she is laying this huge burden on me. Maybe I'm mad because it's not fair that I can't lay my own burden on someone else and not have to keep it hidden. Maybe I'm mad because the whole damn world is fucked up. I just don't know.

I'm mad because she takes it out on being angry and bitter and we all have to put up with her. Or because she really does not have a bad life and she should be thankful but instead is depressed and angry. Which would only make me a hypocrit because I have a good life too and yet I'm depressed and angry. Maybe I am mad because it is making me realize things about myself I don't want to know.

I just really do not know what to do. I don't know how to handle these situations and I don't want the responsibility of it. But I want to fix it at the same time. Magically. But life's too real for that.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

So life. It's going. I'm happy. Bored. But happy. I think I am ready for school to start up again. It gets old sitting around the apartment. I need something to do. I should work on earrings or playing my guitar. I am too damn lazy. I would rather veg out.

I had a dream my teeth turned extremely yellow. It was gross. I hate my teeth. I want to get them whitened when I can afford new veneers.

I keep having dreams me, A and Am are fighting. I wake up upset.

I really really love T. He makes me happy.

I'm tired today. For no reason. I slept late.

I guess tonight I may stay in again. All everyone does is go out and drink. I don't want to go out and drink.

Going to church tomorrow for the first time in a long time. It will be weird, but good for me maybe.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

thoughts

So it has been yet another couple days since I last wrote. I guess a lot of shit went down between now and then. I don't really like talking about it though. It's embarassing. I have come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't drink. It brings out the worst in me. I have tried this before, yes, and it hasn't worked but I need to try again. One would think: Hey, why not just try to limit the amount of alcohol consumed? Yea. That REALLY doesn't seem to work. I have a loss of control while drinking. One drink, two drink, three, ect. It just never seems enough until I can't remember what happened or wish I didn't. And apparently, I am not emotionally stable enough to get so beligerantly drunk since I always end up crying.. not exceptionally happy like some. Threats are made. I made T come over. I promptly passed out in his lap. I worried him, I'm pretty sure I worried others as well. The next day I did not even get off the couch until abuot six at night.. I had to lie to my parents. Telling them I didn't feel good and that's why I couldn't come out with them.. telling them I had no idea why I felt sick. I'm disgusted in myself. I hate lying. I hate the way I act drunkingly. Therefore, I need to stop. Why drink anyway?

I thought about this question. I think I like to drink because I am so damned shy.. shy so I won't talk as much if I don't. Shy and I'll feel akward in social situations if I don't. I laugh more, I say more witty things. Yea, the list goes on. So now I'm sort of challenging myself. Obviously I don't change into a different person while intoxicated. So, I challange myself to learn to cope with my social insecurities and be the more outgoing person I am while drunk without the mess that comes with drinking.

It's going to be difficult not to drink. It's EVERYWHERE. And I'm pretty sure that I will drink. But I want to hold off for a bit, work on my self control. Then learn to limit myself gradually.

Truth is, I guess, I have not been happy. More worried perhaps? I have this anxiety. I'm worried it will never go away or that I won't be able to control it so that I can live a semi- normal life and take care of my husband and kids and make friends and go places. When I think of never reaching the point where I could do all of those things, that is when I get sad, that is when I start thinking of bad things. I've tried to get help, but I don't think it's working. I guess I shouldn't give up on it.. but it is discouraging. Lack of hope equals depression.

I decided I need to go back to church. Any church. I'm missing something. Although my faith is lacking, maybe just maybe something will speak out to me. I would love to believe in God, I'm just not the type of person who can lie myself into anything.. including faith. But I really honestly do want to believe. How can I get there?

It's just so hard when all you need is something- and you can't get it. I've cried some nights and said God please, please be here with me... and felt nothing. So why should I believe when I don't feel it?

I desperately want to be a better person. I want to grow and stop being so damn scared all the time. I'm really going to try. It's going to be so damn hard too. But life isn't easy I suppose.

Friday, August 19, 2005

strange.

I just wanted to be alone tonight. I thought I would enjoy this time. But all the sudden I am feeling sad lonely. Why?

I needed to get away from T. I feel bad for saying that. But he has been getting on my nerves slightly. Why??

Maybe I should have went out with K tonight. Altho I do not want to drink so I would probably not have fun anyways. I wish I was not getting up early for the scrimmage. But I KNOW I should go out and do things even if I don't particuarly feel like it at the time. Then it's the gym for me. I feel like I need to make more friends, but then I hardly like going out with the ones I have. Why???

I feel sad. Why????

I'm amazed how anyone can be happy. I think you have to be blessed with a simple mind.

ramblings

It has been quite the time in the new apartment I have to say. I have really been enjoying all this space and freedom. Sunday I spent the whole day with Am watching the first season of Nip/Tuck. Literally. Did not get out of the PJs all day (except for the gym). Monday I ran some errands and got things so I can finally start making jewlery like I have been wanting to do. I'm afraid my skills are lacking, but hopefully with practice I'll be able to make some cool things. Tuesday T came down. Everyone went to Cain and Ables. I had a lot to drink and ended up getting thouroughly drunk on Bud Light. Saw some people I knew there. It was good times. However, later that night the damn condom broke. I think I have bad luck with condoms or something. I have had like 4 break on me, I thought these things were tested three times?? Seriously beginning to doubt that! Then I went to T's apartment for a couple of days. That was an ok time. I got a little bored actually. But, I suppose there really is not a whole lot to do. I did what I would have done.. only with T so that was nice. Saw Skeleton Key. Wasn't that great and not scary at all which was disapointing. Played tennis. It was too damn hot for that. It felt like 104 degrees I later found out. Sweet Jesus. Are we insane for going out in that? That night we drank some rum. I went crazy. Saying how I think about cutting my wrists sometimes. Which I do, but no one wants to hear that. But, they blame it on the rum at least that way. I woke up thinking how I would completely regret the way I carried on and feel slightly embarassed. But I didn't. That's really how I feelsometimes it wasn't exaclty like I was just being a complete beligerant drunk, although I probably shouldn't have gone on the way I did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess.

Feeling slightly crazy about other matters. I just found out someone from my past is in a new relationship. I don't know why this bothers me. I never talk to them or anything.. do I really want them to be unhappy and alone? Am I that sick and demented? Seriously, what's my problem?? I should just wish them happiness. That's what any normal person would do. Ugh. It's hard to be honest with your feelings. You realize your a whole lot of a worse person than you think.

That's why I write in this thing where nobody knows who I am. That way I can try to be honest without the risk of getting judged. And if I am judged, who cares? It's by a complete stranger who has no idea who I am.

Sometimes I thnk of how normal I seem on the outside to everyone. They don't know half the thoughts that run through my head. The unhappiness, the lonliness, how frightened I really am.

I get depressed if I start to think how I may never lead a completely normal functioning life. That's when the whole wrist thoughts come into my head. I would never actually do it I don't think, but you know, the thoughts are there sometimes, I'm guessing thats not completely normal?

Sometimes I just feel my life lacks excitement. Like I should be doing more with myself. I guess that's up to me though.

Friday, August 12, 2005

moving

So tomorrow I move into my new apartment. I am super excited about this. I can't wait to have a kitchen, and a living room, and not have to stay in a tiny cubicle my whole entire life. I can actually have people over and not all have to sit on my bed in my tiny messy room. I can't wait.

Little worried about all that comes with the apartment as well. A is very uptight about things. Also, will I have enough time for myself without being rude? The driving thing is always a big deal.. I'll probably have to start driving people around more. Which is good, I need to start doing it. This way I am forced to start..right?

T is coming tomorrow night to hang out with me. I won't have a bed yet. I'll be sleeping on the couch. I'm glad he is coming over though.. another thing that worries me. Will Am and A mind if T comes over a lot? Not that he will be during the year (too friggin busy) and will they be upset when I go out for a couple days at a time to his place? Then I think- who cares? It's my life. I can do this if I so please..

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I was laying on my bed thinking. How did I get to be this person I am now? I'm 21 years old and I'm fucking medicated. Fucking unhappy when I have a whole lot of life yet to live and the only way I get by each day is by taking my 10mg of antidepressants and forcing myself not to think about anything worth thinking about. I have been mean to T lately. When I get alcohol in me I get mean. This isnt always the case. Just recently. I say how he isn't here. These thoughts are slipping into my sober mind. Am I not happy? I just had the strangest thought. I can chose what I want to do in my life. I don't have to be with T, I don't have to go to school. Do I want either? Or is that just what everyone has always said to do? I think I want T. So why do I think of others? Am I just afraid of all that part of my life being over or am I truely bored?

I may have a fucking heart murmur. I guess I should get that checked up on. I figured I should have been dead a long time ago the way my body is always messed up, espeically as a child. Always had health problems.

What if I can't fucking be good enough? I think THAT is my biggest fear. Then I have to ask: good enough for who? And I'm beginning to see the answer is my own expectations.

I get sick of myself sometimes.

Sometimes I just feel like sitting in the dark on my bed, staring up at the ceiling and crying and crying for no reason. I'm so sick of staring at the same four walls. I'm so sick of all my material posessions around me mocking me. I'm so sick of everything in my life. I'm ungrateful. I have so much and all I can fucking say is how sick of it all I am.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

sleepy.

I am so tired today that I have a headache. I am skipping class tomorrow morning with the sole purpose of sleeping in. Looking forward to it I really am.

Feels good tonight. Nothing to do. Going on a small vacation over the weekend. I need the break.

Need to start doing all the things I say I want to. Guitar lesssons. Jewlrey making.

Ok I am just too tired for this, thought I'd give it a try.