Sunday, July 31, 2005

Evening out

It has been awhile. I'm feeling a lot better from my last entry. I think maybe the medication is leveling out and I'm getting used to the higher dose. I do feel happier.. not like happy I guess, just not really down and pessimistic all the time. The anxiety has decreased substantially. I don't dwell on anxious negative thoughts as much as I once did. But really- who knows if this is all due in fact to the medication. Perhaps it is just my "up" time. My moods seem to come in phases. One week, sad, the next happy. Some weeks more anxious than others and such. Oh well. I should just learn to enjoy this time when I am happy and not so anxious.

Which is weird. I am getting ready to turn in all my application materials. And yet.. I am not nervous about it. The only thing that is bothering me is making sure all of my letters of rec get sent out on time. I hate not having contact with people. I have been leaving notes for K at the hospital not knowing if she gets them or concedes with them. I'm in the dark. I don't like it. Not to mention I got "hit on" by the receptionist there. He is a nice guy and all but tomorrow when I go in I'm going to feel very weird around him and it's gonna be embarassing and awkward. I even dreamed about it last night. Sigh. Oh well. Things happen I suppose.

I am much happier with T. The other night togheter hanging out was so great. I miss that. The fact that he is so practical still bothers me. yes, its a good quality. But EVERYTHING has to have some practicality or else it's pointless or dumb and sometimes I just want things not to have a POINT. Just to BE. Impossible with him. Still love him and willing to over look this overpractical nature. Worried about his ears. I hope everything is ok.

I really HATE HATE HATE giving speeches. Espeically of the persausive variety. My teacher is so damn strict on all of it. Jesus, we can't be professional orators like yourself. Cut us some slack. Did my research on stem cells today. Found it quite interesting. Sometimes I think I should have gone into research.. stuck with biology and done molectular or something like that. But then I also want a family and not be in school forever.

I need to do laundry and work a little more on my personal statement. I don't want them to have any reason to reject me.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Anxiety

The anxiety seems to be getting even worse these days. Even though I upped my dosage.. driving near impossible. I get so damn mad at myself when I can't do such a simple task as that. I haven't learned to accept my problem yet I suppose.

I went to the therapist today. She said it was a full moon and it has been proven that people act stranger around those times of year. I think she's full of crap. Am I paying her for this? She later semi-redeemed herself when she enlightened me on the fact that I am afraid to be independent. I mean, duh it makes so much sense. Why else would I willingly spend 3 years of my life in a dorm? I woke up panicking the other day and all I can remember is the word "Dallas." In Dallas I'm going to be 3.5 hours away from my family ALL ON MY OWN. I'll be fully responsible for everything. Responsibilty. Scary shit. She also suggested that is why I am having problems with T. Do I want to be responsible for my relationship? Ok ok this all sounds great. You are a genious therapist for enlightening me but ok.. now what? You can't just pinpoint my problem like that andleave me hanging. When do we talk about solutions? Aparently she doesn't believe in solutions she believes in full moons. Maybe when it's gone I'll be all fine and better! Sheesh. But really. I need to get a therapist who believes in cognative reshaping. I want to cope with this shit not understand that I have it, I know I have issues and I come to her to fix them. Sometimes I feel its pointless.

It's hard to accept yourself when you are behaving in ways you don't like. The worst part it, it seems like you can't even try to better yourself. That's what gets me. At least if I was working towards something I could at least say: "don't be so down on yourself! you are working towards progress!" This driving thing just really gets me. I feel smothered. I know thats what the real issue is. I'm afraid of all these life altering decisions as of late. I feel pressured, rushed... it scares me. What do you do?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

oh get me away from here I'm dying

It has been a bit since I have written in this thing. I've been feeling extra depressed lately, however, last night I piped back up quite a bit.

The GRE is over and done with. I wonder if that had a lot to do with my general discontentment. After it was over I felt a huge wave of releif. The night before I couldn't sleep and kept having dreams I was late. It went better than I thought it would. I"m just glad it is over.

Now lately I have been feeling so discontent in my relationship with T. I really don't know where all of this came from because for awhile there I was just so unbelievably happy with him. I think I got bored. We never did anything and I was just feeling trapped and stressed and sitting around doing nothing didn't help to allieviate any of that tension. I really do love T. So why then have I been treating him so badly? There is this line in a song that reminds me of our relationship as of lately.. it goes:
"tell me what you were thinkin
to treat somebody so
the care he took the
lengths to which he'd go
coals are hot to walk
across without your shoes
but in the end
know that you got nothin to lose"

I just feel I have been treating him badly and I have no right to be doing that. He hasn't done anything but be good to me. I dunno.. I think I was just looking for some excitement. But, I shouldn't give him up in order to find excitement for a little while. It's not worth it. I can find things that are exciting to me and still be with him. It's just at this time in my life I am almost freaking out about everything. I just realized I have never finished anything. I always start things but then stop halfway through. Maybe its an unrealized fear of commitment, unwillingness to stick with anything. I feel trapped when I think of my future. When you get serious with someone.. when you say yes and put that ring on your finger I don't think there is any turning back and no matter how right it may be I can't help but freak out a little at the thought of it. Going to PT school. Big deal. Big decision. Big step in my life. Reversable. Yet big. Scary.

I went up on my meds. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, I feel weird but I don't know if its the meds or my head which is very possible. Sometimes I just feel like screaming.

I'm also going back to the gym. I need to. I always feel unattractive when I don't go although I doubt there really is any change in my body composition. Also, it helps mentally and now all this GRE stuff is behind me I can relax and have a little extra time for things such as the gym. It is better for me than being indolent and sitting in front of the TV all day long. Really need to get a hobby! I'm going to the library tomorrow to research sushi for my speech. While I'm there I think I will find a book to read. T also gave me his DVD to learn the guitar. Maybe I will try that too since my guitar has been collecting dust in the corner for so long.

Oui. I wish there was someting I could do to not let myself get so worked up over things.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Ugh.

I don't know what exactly to say about the way I have been acting lately. Espeically towards T. Am I really that stressed out? I am just utterly depressed lately. I was told to go up on my medication.. so I did. The past two days only. I think I've felt a little different. But it could all be psychological really.. and it wasn't like I felt less depressed either. Just..weird.

I've been having extra trouble driving. I get freaked out on the way to school in the morning when it is so damn crowded on the road. I have to turn. I felt panicky today. When I had to give my speech though, I didn't feel physically as nervous as I normally do. I didn't know if it was the medication or what. I remember when I took the xanax. I couldn't cry. It was physically impossible and the most disturbing feeling I have ever felt. I felt like that a little today.. it wasn't good.

I have been having these strange urges lately. The other day it was to tear down everything in my room. Today it was to hide under my desk.

Why am I so damn unhappy? Maybe it's the way my body wants to deal with all this change.

I have been being really mean to T. I think I am just pushing him away. I talked to A about him. I think that plays a big part in all this. She notices I am not happy, but says it could just be the living situation. That's totally possible.

At this time I just want to curl in a ball in a dark corner and cry and cry. I know I'm a fucking pansy. Fuck.

Monday, July 18, 2005

I had this sudden surge of depression. I wanted to run around my room and start tearing things down. I don't know why. I just took some xanax.

I want to just go out and be destructive. Do whatever the hell I what. I always do what I "should do" damnit. I never just did whatever the hell I wanted..carefree. I never will.

Depressssssssssssed.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

sigh.

I love the rain. I am currently enjoying myself, sitting here typing in this blog listening to both my music and the rain falling down outside. It's great. I got poured on today and it rained all the way home from T's apartment. I don't know why I like the rain so much. It just gives me a cozy feeling.. I just want to stay inside in my PJs and I love it when I can do that during a good rain.

I don't know what to do about Friday's situation. Tomorrow I have to confront it head on however.

I just haven't been completely happy with T lately. I don't know what's changed all the sudden. I have this horrible feeling I'm getting bored with him. That sounds terrible. I mean, I still love him, but some things have been getting to me lately. For example, we don't really do anything. We sit around ALL THE TIME. I realize our schedules are all off and spending money is less than desirable. I realize this.. but please could we do something sometime? He never initiates anything, I feel like I have to twist his arm to gte him out. Maybe that's why I was drawn to this kid. We did our intro speeches and he talked about how he did all these different things.. and then he asked me to the lake. Sounded like fun. This kid actually goes out and does things. I kinda want to be his friend. I don't know if this is possible? But I had this weird attraction to him. Before I ever talked to him, which is bad. I usually don't get like that around boys. It's like cheating with my mind.

I just want some damn excitment. IS that too much to ask?

T is very safe. Lately we havent' been our usual goofy selves. I know he'll make a good living, he gets along with my family..

I just feel friggin trapped in all my decisions. I feel like I am going to miss out on all my crazy colelge years by settling down too fast.

How do you come to terms with these feelings? A said as long as it's worth missing out on those opportunities then it's all good. But do I feel like it's worth it? Not so much lately. Maybe it's me pulling myself away.. or maybe it's something else?

We were drinking the other night and I asked T: does it ever freak you out that this is it? you'll never date another girl again? Of course he says no. I told him it freaks me out. I told him I've told Am how I've had urges to sabatoge the relationship. WHich is a whole other story completely. What is wrong with me?

I want crazy fun. Last crazy fun of the rest of my life is this year.. am I gonna miss out??

Friday, July 15, 2005

contradictory.

I have this bad feeling. There was this guy in my speech class, I had a crush on him. Yes, I am in love with T but I had this weird crush on this other guy..

he asked me to go to the lake with him and his friends. I said.. I wasn't sure but gave him my number mainly because I was caught off guard and am not good thinking on my feet like that. He called today, I said I couldn't go.

I feel guilty. Because I did have a crush. It will be awkward I'm afraid on Monday in class.. how do I bring up that I have a bf? T said that guys don't ask girls out like that unless they want to be more than friends. I never know how to say .. "I have a bf" Am I being too up front?

The worst part is that I wish I could just be free sometimes. I wish I could have gone to the lake today.. I feel trapped. I love T.. lately he has been getting on my nerves. But that doesn't want to make me leave him. I think I am just thinking how this is it. Am I ready for it to be it? Am I ready to put everything else behind me.. and make a huge commitment? Sometimes I have this desire to just be unattached right now and do whatever I want. I don't want to do anything stupid and make a mistake.

While I was waiting for T yesterday I pulled out the picture albums again. I got to the end of the one I had been looking at with his ex in it and there were pictures of us from Christmas and his birthday. Then I realized it. It's not like his mom liked her more than me, it's not like she wanted to remember her.. she was just there and now I"m there. T said that he doesn't let his gf's get to know his mom. Why? He said that she knows me as much as she knew her. I had bad dreams about her last night. I think it was the photos.

I really make no sense. I'm so contradictory. What to do? I don't know. I'm really confused. I kinda want a break, but I know that could never happen. I want T, just I want a little bit of freedom at this moment. I know I can't do that. I'm mad that I talked to that kid in my class ever. I shouldn't have been friendly so that he never asked me to do anything and I wouldn't have to do anything and it could just stay in my head and eventually die out and not make things awkward.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I am terrible.

I really want some random sex. I know this sounds really bad. In all my life I have never just had randon passionate lustful sex.

I took off my ring from T. I'm horrible. It felt good to look down and see nothing on my fingers. What does that mean??

I think I'm just going through an anxious phase. Holy shit is this it?

I kinda just want to play around. I can't.

I'm a bad person.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Alas.

Today turned out to be quite a good day despite my strong desire to not get out of bed and just sleep through the entire day. Class went relatively painlessly. I am enjoying speech. (I never thought I would hear myself utter those words) Granted, I am still scared shitless of getting up and talking in front of everyone, but I really like my professor. He makes it interesting and has a great sense of humor. Today he went around the class and asked what we wanted to get out of it. Pretty much everyone confided how they get nervous and want to learn how to control it. So no surprise there. I'm not alone.

I got so much stuff acomplished today as well. I feel like I am finally on track to doing this PT thing! I have all my rec letters taken care of! That is a huge wieght off my shoulders. All I need to do now is my resume and personal letter both of which I have started. Thursday I'll complete the resume.. and soon after the personal letter. A week from Friday is GRE day. Then it's all downhill from there. Filling out the application, sending transcripts... wa la! I'm so happy everything is going so well. I only hope it continues and I'll get that acceptance letter I dream of!

Very tired. I don't think I'll ever not be tired the whole rest of my life! Thank God for coffee.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Alcohol brings out the worst in people. It makes you do things you normally would never dream of doing. Thank God, I'm not talking about myself this time. It was A. She went downtown last night (after telling me and M she couldn't go out with us because she had to study..but that is a different story) and got completely trashed and somehow ended up alone wandering the streets. She called M (for some reason) and some random guy got the phone and told him he needed to come pick her up and told him where she was. So he leaves his party to go and get her as fast as he can. He cant find her. Luckily she got picked up by her other friend and nothing bad happened. Except she threw a glass and told M how much she hated him even though she called him to begin with and he was a good friend for going to hunt her down when he really did not have to.

I still don't know the details. She said she doesn't want to talk about it. But I was worried last night when she told M she had got into someone's car (we didn't know she knew the person at this point) and rambled on about how she was gonna get raped and die.

Not a good night.

So this just reaffirms how I need to stick with my current dedication not to drink too many drinks at one time. I don't want to get bilgerant drunk like that. It's just not fun for anyone involved. Glad she is safe though, I really was worried and kept calling until M finally picked up the phone and told me she was home.

I have been working on my applications. I'm beginning to worry I wont get accepted. I really do not know exactly what they are looking for. I do have the 4.0.. that is definetly going to help me out. I will have a very good recommendation from J. I am less than impressed with my Resume. I wish I had done more things looking back.. and my personal statement.. I tried to write one but I am unimpressed. It's too boring. I need to GRAB their attention and make them WANT ME. Worried. Gotta give it a go though.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Happy.

I'm feeling a lot happier today. I wonder if it is in correlation with going out and being social last night. And the fact that A came over for dinner and I felt a lot better about our relationship afterwards. I feel like she is drifting away.. but last night seemed back to normal and I'm thankful for that. Then I went out with T for his friend's bday. That was also fun. I think I get along with his friends pretty well and I'm happy about that because I want to be able to be a part of all aspects of his life. I just wish he would spend more times with my friends. But next year when I am actually living with two of them I think he will. It's important to me that we can fit into each other's lives.. each part of it. I love him. I don't want to do anything to mess this relationship up. That's why when I go out I'm going to be extra cautious of my actions when I have been drinkig. I know I tend to get flirty if I drink a lot. So I'm just going to limit myself to a few drinks if he is not there. It's not worth the chance of messing up what we have.

I am just happy. My therapist said that this week everyone she saw said they felt more anxious/depressed. I told her the same thing. Could it have been the holiday? I'm not sure. But that's all behind me now. I drove A to starbucks last night. I'm proud of myself. I realize I have a choice to be afraid. I can chose to say to myself "driving isn't a big deal.. you can do it." Instead of "OMG you are going to have a panic attack and make a fool of yourself in front of other people.. you have no choice. That's just how it is."

Self improvement is a bitch. It's worth it in the end I think.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Driving.

Man. I was doing so good. I drove T on the highway yesterday! Well, I got off at the very next exit but I managed to get on the highway and everything fine. Today. Today was a different story. I was driving on a main road and there were so many cars everywhere around me I couldn't stand it.. so I had to turn into some random side street. Ugh. I feel like I have let myself down. I just wish I didn't have problems driving. I don't even know WHY. It's just I get paniced and I need to GET OUT. Step on the breaks.. I have a feeling I'm going to have this issue my whole life, which really really sucks. I hope I can just learn to manage it better.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Tired.

Very sleepy today. This getting up early thing is really beginning to wear on me. I can't wait till Sunday when I can sleep to my hearts content!

Today in speech we gave our introductory speech. I came to the conclusion that almost everyone in there that is male is married. But they were so sweet when talking about their wives. One of them brought a picture of his smiling wife and two little boys and said how they were his life. The other talked about how what was unique about him was his wife's love for him. It was so sweet. I want it like that when I am married. It made my heart smile.

Today with T was alright. I think I am just getting bored with not doing anything.. I know the money issue is a big reason. But it just gets annoying sitting at home all the time in front of the television set when you could be out doing something.. ANYTHING. Sometimes, although this sounds bad I see couples when I go out with my friends and I wish that could be me and T. Like the other day when we went to get drinks on the 4th. This couple was just sitting there sipping their margaritas and talking. Me and T never just do that. Or like go on a picnic.. go to the park.. go to the pool, barton springs. Theres tons of things I would like to do but T doesnt like to do any of it. Go to a coffee shop sit drink coffee and talk. He doesn't like that. I wish he did. Sometimes I wish he liked to go out more. But I love him.. so I can deal with that fact. I just wish we did more things besides sit around in his hot apartment and watch reruns.

I'm also fed up with my A. She is changing. She's coming over tomorrow. I don't even know if I really want her to come. Just typing that I feel bad. I'm sorry.

Feeling slightly lonely still. I don't know what it is exactly. I just came back from spending an entire day with T. I'm tired. Bed time.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

One of those days.

This is just one of those days. Girl day. I feel fat. Bah. I'm bloated and stuff so that is probably why. I do need to go back to the gym again though. I hate feeling like such a damn girl. I KNOW I'm not fat I just feel unattractive and gross and bahhhhh...

Ugh. Selfishness annoys me. Sometimes I feel certain people only care about themselves. It's like they can talk and talk and talk about all the things going on in their life but they don't want to hear about yours. I feel like my best friend and I are on the rocks. I just don't feel like we are connected like we used to be. I can blame it on two things. 1. I don't live near her this summer therefore we spend less time together and 2. she has changed. This is probably the most important one. She just seems so wrapped up in everything else she is doing she has no time for me. I feel like I bore her or something. Like I'm old news. It hurts my feelings in a way. I just feel more alone I suppose.

Boo. I'm not unhappy though, just a little saddened. I've been happy lately. Happiness is a state.. you can be sad in the moment yet still happen overall.

Sad in the moment at the moment..

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Lonely.

All the sudden I had this overwhelming sensation of being alone. I mean, I am. I've been sitting up in my room for 3 hours watching movies/television in the dark so it should come as no surprise. I feel like I'm missing something. I really am missing T. Then again, I am also missing having a really good friend to hang out with. Something bothered me about A yesterday. Sometimes I feel like she judges me. I noticed this yesterday. Why? We are friends, we aren't supposed to be judging each other like that. Sometimes I think she tries too hard. Sometimes I feel like I want to make new friends. Sometimes I just feel lonely.

I really am feeling lonely.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

pictures

I feel very lucky. Lucky that I have found someone to share a great love with. Some people are never lucky enough to have this. I feel very special. And happy. Wow. I just realized that I've been happy lately.. truely happy. It's amazing. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. And I really do belive it has something to do with T. I never thought I could find someone like him. I am lucky.

On another note however.. I was at his house today waiting for him to get ready so I was looking through some of his mom's family photo albums. It was T as a baby, and a little kid.. he got older.. then bam! It's him and his ex gf. I KNOW they are not together for good reasons but it just hit me hard. I felt sick to my stomache. There was this one of the two of them and T is kissing her on the cheek. I think that's when I slammed the damn thing shut and put it back. It's just not cool to see someone you love kissing someone else. Even if it was in the past. Something else bothered me. SHe just seemed to fit in, like she was playing cards with the family at the table. In one T was playing with her hair. It made me honestly sick. I rarely get physically sick from my emotions. I just feel like.. I've never done that.. I've never hung otu with his family and played cards. So then I looked at the date. 2003. They had been together almost three years at that point. What do you expect? We have been together just over ONE year. Of course you can't be as close to the family as she was. And its a picture. Pictures can be decieving. you never really know exactly what was going on. It's a still frame, it captures ONE moment out of the many that surrounds that one moment. It's impossible to know. T loves you now and that's all that matters. Why is there that sneaking suspicion that maybe his parents like her more than me? Then I think: it doesn't matter. T is all that matters and we are unbelievably happy. Three years from now I think I will be a part of the family and there will be many card games.

Another thing that had bothered me: when I first started dating T, his mom had a pic of him and his ex at christmas time up framed. Why did she still keep that thing up after they had broken up? I want to be in a framed picture. Next Christmas there better be one of me and T up somewhere!

I just did not like seeing those things. You just don't want to see it, no matter what. I have those same kind of pictures with my ex (of course my mother took the pics down after the breakup however!) but at the time you were happy, and "in love". That's how it works! I just wish I could have lived in ignorance of the living proof.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Lazy.

I haven't done anything after I got home from the hospital all day. I feel guilty because of this. I think: Studying for the GRE. Clean your room. Go to the gym. Don't sit on your ass all day. GET UP.

I didn't listen. And I feel guilty. I SHOULD be doing these things and not sitting around all Saturday watching movies. I guess it is summer though, I should be able to relax, but that has never been my strong suit. Well, without feeling guilt at least. I just feel like it is a wasted day. I thought: you can do all these things tomorrow! But now I am going to visit T. Jesus. HAVE FUN! You'll be in school for the next 3 years straight.

So I'm going out with M alone tonight. We have only hung out once before alone. I'm worried it's going to be awkward. I mean, we get along and stuff when we are with other people but I'm just worried that there won't be any conversation flowing between us. We are both the quiet type I guess. I don't want to feel stupid.

I need a plan. A real one that I stick to. So I'm going to start out by being honest. I do not think tomorrow or Monday I will do anything at all. So here it is. I start school till 2. I will bring my GRE supplies and study it over lunch the hour I have between classes. I will shoot for 2 weeks from today to take the damn test. I need to do a draft of my personal statement. And resume. I will take on one a week. Must do this. Must do this.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Again.

I technically already wrote in this thing today, but I guess I am just making up for lost time. Sitting here, thinking about things.

One thing I'm curious to know is why I'm so damn interested in other people's lives. I don't really think it comes down to strictly just being nosey. It's just like I'm curious to see how other people do it. Curious to see the differences between different people and my own life. It intrigues me. People look out at the world in completely different lights. I guess that's one reason I like to read random people's journals. I don't know this person.. reading their journal means nothing to me, I shouldn't even want to read it, right? It's just like interesting to me to see what other people do with their lives, how they think about things. Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes I will see a random stranger and before I know it I have made up an entire life for them in my head. What's my fascination? Maybe my life is just so boring to me that I have to live through other peoples. Maybe it is genuine curiousity of differing perceptions. Who knows. But I am nosey. That's why I guess I am still interested in certain people's lives that I shouldn't be. It's not like I have any emotional investment anymore it's just I'm curious what the hell is going on. Then again, when I find out something I don't want to know I end up feeling badly about it. I dunno why though. At first I knew. T and her had been together for a long time. So I wanted to see what she was all about. Felt insecure. Like how can it just be OVER after that long? What do I have to live up to? That ended in disaster. But now I still read every now and then, now I am not insecure.. just to see what is up. I don't know why. I guess another part of it is boredom.

I try not to be biased here. Of course it will sound biased to say that I think she is a very odd individual. But really. She just seems sort of...young. Her priorities, the way she handles situations. Making her friend stand up for her instead of doing it herself. How she can't come to terms with things and so must lie to herself. I noticed this several times. I suppose it's a defense mechanism or something like that. There was just something.. not right. Makes me wonder why was he with her for so long? I guess that sounds mean to say it. But I wonder that. She just seemed very selfish and set in her ways. I don't understand how T could be with someone like that. But, they arent' together anymore so I guess he couldn't. But THREE YEARS? Oh well, I'm the crazy one now! Thinking about it after so long. I just was thinking about it today as I stumbled on a journal of hers and it got me to thinking.

I see me and T together though and I see how perfect we are. It amazes me. I never thought this would happen to me. Everything I could possibly want is there. I love him. We are getting married. I know it. I just hope I can be good enough.

I started reading that book and ever since I have made an effort to be more optimistic. I think it has been working, I see a difference. I realize that you DO have a choice. It makes everything a lot more bearable. A lot of it has to do with confidence too. A lot of pessimism comes from this basic fear that "I'm not good enough." But, if I pretend (until I actually belive it) that I CAN DO IT everything seems a lot better out there. It's all about confidence really. You are lucky if you've got it.

ANother thing that has been on my mind. My friend A has been hanging out with a lot more people lately. I think I am feeling jealous. Like sometimes I do not even want to do what they are doing, I just want to be there so I'm not left out. It's so weird because I usually don't care about things like that. I guess I'm worried that I don't have tons of friends since I'm introverted and would rather have a few close ones and I'm worried I will lose one of my close friends. I know this is silly because it's not going to happen, but I just can't help but feel left out. I feel like I should have more friends. But why?

I can't wait until MY LIFE BEGINS. My friend was writting today that lots of people feel like they are waiting. Waiting for something in their life, she was saying how she finally feels like she is ALIVE. That she is LIVING. Man. I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting to go to PT school, become a PT, have a family... after that is all done will I still be waiting for something else? I shouldn't WAIT I should LIVE. I've said that before. I've said how everyone is always in a hurry to get places and once they are there they don't want to be there or they are thinking about the next place they can go. That just doesn't seem right. I do it all the time. I am always thinking: "what's next?" I need to just STOP. And ENJOY THE DAMN MOMENT. Or I'll never be happy. I know it's true.

Long Time

It has been a long time since I wrote in this thing. I guess I should write since it is to keep track of my day to day thoughts. Actually, I haven't been here pretty much all week long. It was a fabulous break from the monotomy of life. I feel refreshed.

I have been thinking about this anxiety a lot lately. Not really having it which is the weird part, but thinking about having it which is almost as debilitating. Before I do anything I think: "will I have anxiety issues?" "will I have to drvie there and can I make it?" It's terrible. I wonder.. how do you fix that? I tend to fixate on things. I have fixated on this issue. Is it possible to find something else to fixate on instead? Can I so easily transer fixations?

I'm a little disapointed in the therapy. I just feel like I am talking myself in circles here and not coming to any solutions. I want solutions damnit. I am worried when she says "girls your age really just want to fix things instead of just accepting that as a part of who you are." So why am I in therapy if not to fix my problems? I don't get it. I can talk to my friends about these issues for free. I was surprised to find out she charges 90 bucks per session. Thank God for insurance or else it wouldn't be worth it.

I realized that I feel out of it most of the time. Just like my head is a millin miles away. Tell me, is this normal? I'm not really sure what normal feels like. Sometimes, as much as I dislike taking medication I wish there was a magic pill. I could take it and feel fine, normal, great! No worries, no clouded head, full of confidence. That is the quick fix. Damn things aren't htat easy. Next day in therapy I want to work on my confidence. Why do I have such low self esteem and what can I do to fix it?