Saturday, June 25, 2005

hospital

I don't want to grow old. I don't want to get to the point where I can't do anything for myself and I have to relay on everyone around me for my well being. I don't want to wear diapers and have to have people change them for me. I don't want to be too weak to walk on my own or have to take breaks every few seconds from physical activity in order to catch my breath. I don't want to be hooked up to Oxygen, or confined to a bed. I don't want to get old. Seeing all these older individuals at the hospital really makes you think. They are so helpless. But once, once they were just like I am now. Full of life, capable of doing things for themselves. Its just a scary thought. A glimpse into the future. The old woman's husband sat outside waiting for his wife's bedsheets to be change. He was old. He used a walker. He loved that woman inside, they had spent many good years together. And he waits for her because she cannot take care of herself anymore. Still in love regardless. Makes me sad and happy. Happy that they love each other, and he cares about her so much to spend his days with her. Sad that that is what there love has come to.

Then you get the happy ones. He must have been so old yet stil filled with a sense of humor. You could tell he was loved. Pictures and letters from what must have been grandchildren (and maybe even great grandchildren) covered the walls. He counted his exercises in three langauges. He skipped numbers on purpose and did some over multiple times. He was very nice and very optimistic. The hospital setting did not seem to crush his spirits at all. Uplifting. Maybe it doesn't have to be so bad after all.

Still afraid to be so old. Why do our bodies have to fail us?

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Beginning to wonder why it is that I am always, always tired. For the love of God.. I slept a good nine and half hours today and STILL my eyelids droop wanting sleep. I just feel like regardless of what I do I'll always wake up tired. Makes me think that maybe I could possibly have a medical condition. I do have slightly lower iron than I should. Doctor said I should take supplements but I stopped because they were expensive. Maybe I should start again? It could be nothing. I have been known to be slightly the hypochondriac. But in any case, I DO know that I am always tired. I almost feel like I am in a state of mental cloudiness as well. Sometimes it's hard to tell how you are supposed to feel. I mean, I don't know what normal people feel like. Maybe this is just how it is?

I can't wait until the end of English. I have written about two essays a week for the past five weeks and it is wearing on me. All my creative juices have been drained and I feel I did less than par on my test yesterday but oh well what can you do? You can't be expected to come up with new and novel ideas ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It needs to be over and done with.

I guess I need some more social contact as well. I have secculed myself under GRE vocabulary words, interpersonal communication, and writting a million essays a week. I just don't get out. Those are no excuses. I could find time. Tonight I guess will be good for me.

Monday, June 20, 2005

singing

If I could have any talent I think I would really like to be able to sing. I am a terrible terrible singer and the only time I feel free to sing is 1. in the shower or 2. when I am driving in my car alone. I ALWAYS sing in my car. I wonder how people COULDN'T sing while in the car. It just seems so very natural.

Doing good today. I feel great. I'm trying to be more optimistic about things. And trying to learn acceptance of myself. I think I am getting somewhere, but you know in the beginning it is always easy. The hard part is keeping it up.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

what happy people know

Even though I feel like a nutcase reading it, I am realy enjoying "What Happy People Know." What gets me though is how much it reminds me of Donnie Darko. The part about Fear and Love and how they clumped all human emotion into those two catagories. Dr. Baker seems to have the same mindset. I used to think it was silly in the movie, but Dr. Baker makes good points. It's not like that's EVERY emotion. But they certianly are the dominant emotions and fear stems from a lot of sources that we may not originally recognize as fear. My anxiety is fear. I'm afraid I am going to fail at life, I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic attack, I'm afraid I am not good enough. I realize I am living too much of my life in fear. He also claims that love is the antidote to fear. You can't feel both emotions at the same time. I agree, but it's easier said than done. It's not like you can wake up one day and decide to love instead of being afraid. He makes good points. I feel like one of those helpless nutcases in admitting that though, that I actually have to resort to some sort of self help book to get my life back on track. I'll try anything though.

He also advocates this Appriciation Audit. Top Five Lists. Like Top 5 things I am looking forward to, or top 5 all time vacations.. just to get your mind off bad things and help you appriciate the good things. I think I'll make a Top 5 things I am looking forward to this week:
1. Lunch with my sister on Thursday
2. Belly dancing and dinner with friends on Wednesday
3. Outlet shopping with my sister and mom on Friday
4. Spending time with T friday night
5. Watching the Premire of Real World Austin

I like also his approach to therapy. This so called Positive Therapy where he doesnt necessarily center on the problem itself but on your good qualities.. the things you love. I've been to therapy. Talked about everything I found wrong and it did me no good. I need something positive to devote my energy to. Something to get my mind off the bad things and onto the good things in my life. I need to be optimistic.

I'm stubborn. But I also know I need a change. Which one will previal?

Friday, June 17, 2005

wishing

Sometimes I wish I had an exciting life. I guess I could make it a little more exciting, you know if I actually got up and did something every once in a while. Ok- I do. But I turn a lot of stuff down too. I say I like my time alone. I do like my time alone.. but I feel like I should want to hang out with other people more often. *sigh* Complicated. Really.

I guess I want to try new things more often. I'm too timid most of the time. But I know I shouldn't be complaining. If I wanted to change it so bad, I should do something about it. I guess it is just easier said than done.

A is going to some Dennis Quiad charity thing tonight. That is what brought all this on. Now I think, will I ever get to do anything like that? Probably not. It's in her field though..

I'm feeling a little Elisa in "The Chrysanthemums" right now. Just itching to get out of my box and try new things. But- I need a shove I suppose.

Oh who knows.

Bored. Bored. Bored of life. Scared though too. What am I to do?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

change

The self is a process. You aren't always going to be the exact same person throughout your whole life. I can change. I can say.. "today is the first day I make a conscious effort to improve myself." And then accept the fact that I really can change and that I can become who I want to be. I'm not happy with who I have become. But I am going to change this. I am going to become more conscious of my actions, and I am going to make an effort to change the things I do not like. Why be unhappy my whole life because I am too stubborn to try to be a better person? Just doesn't seem very logical.

Sometimes I just wish I could be like "hold up! I want to erase the person I was the last 21 years and start all over. so just forget everything i ever did because it never happened." I want a clean slate. This is the closest I can get to a clean slate. Regret is a bitch. But, if I can be happy with who I am again maybe I can learn to forgive myself and move on. So here it is in writing, my solemn oath that I am going to make a conscious effort to change.

Monday, June 13, 2005

heavy

I'm unhappy. Not depressed just unhappy. This sinking feeling is in my chest. I feel lonely, removed from the people I care about most. I feel like I have done something very wrong, but nothing comes to mind. I feel like I am becoming distant from T, and all my friends are slipping away. I need one person to see on a regular basis. I realize this now. I don't need a lot of friends, and if I don't see my friends for awhile its ok as long as I have contact with that one speical person. And I haven't seen T in so long. And now I have this horrible feeling inside that I cannot place. I think part of it may be how I've done him wrong in the past. It's a nagging feeling. But that was a long time ago, and I have gotten over it for the most part. It can't just be that. Maybe I'm worried we are going to grow apart. Maybe I just need someone to be with me. I need that consistant social contact. Somethings wrong. It rests heavy on me. I can feel it pressing down on me, but I can't make it go away because I can't place exactly what it is. I just feel I've failed as a person in general. I'm not who I want to be. When did this happen? Can I fix it? I need someone. I've never said that before. But I NEED someone.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I'm so upset right now. I just feel like the worst person ever. Not happy with myself at all. I hate myself. When I get like this, I always end up thinking about God. Maybe I feel like if there was a God then I could be forgiven and move on. But now, I'm just stuck with all the bad things I've done and that's it. I have done some things I really regret in the past. One time thing that eats away at me. Makes me sick to think about. I would do anything to be able to take it back. If I know how bad it was and if I regret it, is it ok then? Should I forgive myself and just realize we all do stupid things every now and then and move on. I can't. I try. I have forgotten all about it, until someone brings it up. And then I feel like shit and I cry like a friggin baby. Sometimes I just don't feel like I deserve to live, or deserve the things that I do have because I'm too bad of a person. And I know most of the time I do alright, but every now and then I slip up and do something shitty. I don't know how to mend it. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from everyone andjust start over. I know I am being irrational.. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick.

Friday, June 10, 2005

thoughts

So, I guess I feel kinda left out. I know, I was invited to go and all.. but I live too far away and I have to be at the hosptial at 9am tomorrow. It would not be smart for me to go out tonight. Being responsible sucks. Now I feel left out. Like all the fun will be had without me. Me and A used to be really really good friends and we still are.. but she has been branching out and hanging out a lot with all these new people. I mean, thats not bad or anything but somehow I feel like I am being replaced or something. And I'm not going to even be there tonight when she goes downtown for the first time on her birthday. I just feel left out.. as usual. Oh well.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Tired.

I am so unbelievably tired today. My body is just utterly exhausted. I pushed myself too hard at the gym and I can barely extendmy arms all the way (just today I could make a larger than 120 degree angle). I have a hard time walking too. My calves are sore. I just really wanted to push myself. I think I ended up doing too much weight on the bicep curls though. My joint is hurting not really my bicep. So then I have only been making matters worse for myself. I mowed the lawn yesterday and that was hard to do while sore like I was. Then today belly dancing. I'm killing myself here.

I think I am a fan of the belly dancing. It was more fun today, more dance less talk. I'm glad A talked me into it.

I have my first interpersonal communication test this week. I am worried it is going to be tough. I don't want to study, I guess I will tomorrow then go take the damn thing and get it over with. I feel like I have to do good in that class just so I can measure up to my sister. So damn competitive.

So tired. Eyes won't stay open. Need to get up early...

Monday, June 06, 2005

time

Therapy. I like her. I am actually comfortable with her, well, as comfortable as I can be disclosing all my innermost thoughts and feelings. Maybe I am just more used to the whole concept, in any case I'm optimistic. Anything is worth a shot.

Why is it no matter how much I do I feel guilty if I stop and relax? Today I went to therapy, went to the gym, wrote a research English paper, clenaed my room and did some GRE prep and now it's 7 something and I have quit for the night yet I feel guilty. I should be able to relax and take the night off. And yet, my mind won't let me. Should I feel guilty? Should I fill all my spare time with GRE prep? I also have a test I need to study for but I haven't yet. No. I did EVERYTHING on my checklist. That is rare. Relax. Enjoy.

Tomorrow:
1. Wake up around 9
2. Mow the law till 10:30
3. GRE Prep
4. Meeting till 2:30
5. Study till 5
6. Class till 9
7. Study a little more

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Ugh.

I feel disgusting today. Not physically (I paid that price earlier..) but emotionally. I made an ass of myself last night. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I am just very mad at myself. Poor T. It makes my heart ache to know that I hurt him. I love him so much it just makes me feel sick to think I did anything wrong to him. I have been dwelling on it all day. All night too. I kept making up, I even thought about calling at 4:30am but I knew he'd be sleeping.. I should have called him back last night. Why do I have to be so damn stubborn all the time?? It only makes things worse. Granted, he should not have called me an ass even if I was being one. That's why I hung up on him I couldn't believe it. We got into a convo about God and I went crazy. I said he didn't exist and I kept pressing him to tell me of a time where he actually felt God was there.. and pressing probably in some sort of high and mighty voice implying that I was right. So I deserved it. I can't believe I flat out told him I'm athiest. Which probably isn't true. I'd say more agnostic. I hope with all my heart there is a God, I just don't feel it. I regret the whole evening to tell the truth. I hate myself for it. Damnit, keep your stupid mouth shut! And damnit you're too damn stubborn. It still hurts.

I decided also that I don't really want to get drunk. Being drunk is so dumb. I mean, it's not to say I won't drink.. but I won't be drinking in excess anymore. Drinking is stupid. Gets you trouble. You do stupid things. I have a hard enough time managing myself sober.

I hate regret. I'm so hard on myself. I guess everyone makes mistakes. But it doesnt really matter if everyone else does it. My heart is still sunk in my chest.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Alone.

It's Saturday night and despite invitations to go out I'd just rather stay in. I'm too tired, and I hate driving downtown when I'm at home. Mainly because I have to drive back again.. M offered to let me sleep on his couch but we have another family thing tomorrow morning so I'd have to be back. Ah well. Perhaps I will get to bed early tonight. I enjoy staying in. Granted.. sometimes social contact is nice as well.

I feel like a hippo today. Why do girls get that way? You know, the "fat" phase. I know I'm not fat. But when I sit down I feel like I have a million rolls trying to escape my jeans. Oh yea, and since when did my ass get so big? I just down right unattractive. Maybe that is why I do not feel like hitting up any bars tonight. No one needs to be subjected to my large ass and uncontrollable rolls.

I feel a little odd about all this not wanting to go out stuff. 21 year olds want to go out don't they? They need social contact. They love going to bars, drinking, talking... why then would I rather stay in and watch a movie? I have never been downtown yet, but I think I would favor staying in with good friends and drinking at home. But maybe I could be missing something great.. who knows. I guess I will find out next weekend. A turns 21 and she is all excited about going downtown. So am I. With her. She's my best friend. She drives me crazy then makes up for it later.

She is selfish. But then she thinks of you enough to call you while she is in New Orleans just to say hey and see how things are going. Maybe its more she likes drama than being selfish. If I hadn't met her, who knows where I would be. But sometimes.. I just need to get away. But I miss her, and I will miss her so much when she moves to LA.

Been trying to feel things in the moment lately. No more of this thinking ahead indread business. Need to say right now you are ok, don't think about then, you'll be ok then too. That's my new mantra. God help me.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Insomnia.

It's nights like these when my mind begins to race and I start to think of things I probably shouldn't. These are the times when I reflect on my own life.. and all the things in my life I am not happy about. My faults, my weaknesses. This usually gets me to thinking about the larger picture. About the world in general, and how futile life really seems to be.

I don't believe in God. Ok, I wrote it. I feel sort of bad for just coming out and saying it like that. I know it's true though so I might as well not lie to myself any longer. Wow, I remember when I was younger and I couldnt' believe that all you needed to do to get into heaven was believe that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. I distinctly remember thinking how easy that was and there had to be more to it than that. Well, it turns out it isn't so easy after all. Sure I would like to think there was more to life than this.. who wouldn't? I just don't see any proof that there is. And more importantly I don't feel it in my heart. I feel that we are really alone here. people make up god to make themselves feel better. People don't like the idea of being purposeless.. they don't like the idea of dying one day and becoming non-existance. It's a scary thought. All we know is being and then suddenly to just not be? how is that possible?

I think of how purposeless life really is. What the hell is life anyways? Why the hell does it exist? Plants and animals are all alike. We live and want to reproduce and then we die. But why do we want to reproduce? We are all just going to die. What's the purpose of that? Everything does it. Things that cannot even think just want to get their seeds sown so that there can be a next generation. WHY. Being make up purposes in their lives to ease their minds. yea, thats the easy way. I can't lie to myself though.

What a curse it is to be able to think hypothetically and abstractly. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just be ignorant of it all? Then I wouldn't be up at 2:30 in the morning asking myself these questions. I would just except the answer that life exists BECAUSE.

Have you ever thought what things would be like if there was no life? Could the universe just not exist? Or would it exist and just be barren? Only no one would ever know.. so if no one is there to know could it exist?

Where did this big rock come from? How do we know there arent millions of galaxy's just like ours? We know nothing. Think of all the knowledge out there.. we know so fucking little of it and half the stuff we assume to be truth probably is really false and like 2000 years down the line everything we value to be true now will probably be completely wrong. We'll never be the wiser, though.

I don't want to just die. I wish there was something more to life I really honestly do. But like I said before I can't lie to myself. And this is how I feel. I would give anything to be proved wrong. But until then, maybe there will be many more sleepless nights in store.

I probably make no sense.