Tuesday, May 31, 2005

hmmm.

I suppose I should update in this thing. That's what journals are for.. recording day to day feelings. I just don't have a whole lot going on I guess. All the company left yesterday. As much as I enjoyed seeing them I like having my daily routine back. I guess I am a creature of habit. I like to have alone time. Do things the way I like to do them. For instance, my summer schedule:
1. Wake up to a cup of coffee and an hour of TLC
2. Do some homework for however long I need to feel accomplished
3. Possibly lay out if it's sunny
4. Gilmore Girls at 4
5. Class till 9 if it's Tuesday of Thursday
6. Watch TV and veg or hang out with friends

I have done about zero of those things the past 3 days. Today it started up again. ahhhh. nice routine.

I'm going back to the gym soon. I am going to take my mom and help her get a program started. I look forward to going back to the gym. It makes me feel a thousand times better after I go.

I really wish I could go on vacation. To the beach. And not do a single thing besides lay out on the sand drinking some exotic drink with a tiny umbrella in it all day long. Maybe at night a nice stroll with my feet in the water and sleep with the windows open.

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately. Things I never thought about before. Getting married, having kids, thinking how life will be like when they are teenagers. how me and T's life will change. Will our relationship change? I know it all will be with him. It's a scary feeling of knowing, there is no doubt about it. ahh too much thinking.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Another good day.

Tons of people were here today. Crazy. T came too. That was nice of him. He was here a good 10 hours. I wonder if he was bored. We played badmitten though and that was a lot of fun. A lot of fun to play and a lot of fun to watch. Good food of course. I was social. Unusual for me. I am usually very quiet and reserved. I'm trying to come out of my shell more though, I think I suceeded today. Played with S alot. At the end of the night we had fun "dancing". He is adorable. It made me happy to know he was laughing and smiling with me.

We also watched really old movies. From film that my mom paid a bundle to get transfered to a DVD. It was slightly creepy. The lady had put some music on in the background. So it was just that, and it was a little choppy and dark. Crazy thinking how peoples lives were once like that. My dad was a skinny little kid. My aunt looked so happy getting married and cutting the cake.. now she is divorced. She looked so happy as a kid. SHe didn't know what the heck was gonna happen in her life, she didn't know she was going to even get married.. and then divorced with three kids. Makes you think how crazy life is. It changes. You never really know where you are going to be in 10 years.. 20 years..

Man by the end of the night I really wanted to retreat to my room and just listen to the rain storm alone. But, there was still company. Now the rain is gone. God it feels good to be home.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Family time

I really dislike going to church. I sit there and think of all these other things and don't pay attention. I really don't get any sort of benefit out of it. I only go to appease my parents. Honestly though, I find it a waste of time and I don't want to go until I have kids.. just so I can give them the option.

What is it about watching babies that is so fascinating? You sit them in the middle of the room and everyone is entertained for hours watching them. It's just great to see them discover new things.. laugh. There is nothing better then making a baby laugh. S is the cutest baby ever. Maybe it is because he is my nephew that I think that, but I think you would also agree. He looks exactly like my brother.

Having family here today has been great. I haven't been bored or wanted to retreat to my room once today. I've learned to put a lot of things into perspective this past year.

One day I don't do schoolwork and it bugs me. Why can't I take a break? I am thinking of all these things I need to do. Oh and it bugs me my sister did better than me on one of the quizes.. by one question. Seriously, it does not matter. I'm so damn competitive. It's terrible. I really am feeling bad for not touching my essay. *sigh* Fuck it.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Friday Night.

I'm beginning to think I don't want other people to be happy. But not every one.. just certain people. Maybe. I don't know if that is really it, but it's just a speculation. What kind of sick person would I be if that were true though? It scares me a little bit.

Like the ex-bf talks to me about "hot girls numbers he gets" but I don't really care. In fact, I wonder WHY he tells me these things. I've been with T for over a year now. I am so far over him, I don't even know why we still talk. It's not like we have anything to say to each other. Unless he is dying to tell me about the new "hot girl". I really do not know. I never tell him about my love life, only when he asks. (which once again.. I don't know why he cares) Man, I wonder why I dated him. He is sooo not someone I would ever in a million years end up with. I guess I was still experimenting with what I want. And I found out what I don't want. Don't get me wrong he was a nice guy. But that was about it. Bad sense of humor.. not much in common.. I hate cars, he always talked about cars cars cars. The only thing I miss really is going out to sit and get coffee. T doesn't drink coffee. God, such a contrast T is. We have the exact same sense of humor. He is hilarious! So sweet, self suficient. I don't ALWAYS have to be with him, we can do our own things. You live, you learn.

The family comes tomorrow. This is good and bad. Good because I want to see them all! I am so excited. Bad only because I will not have any time to be alone. I need alone time, I'm sorry I am so antisocial but its true. Need time to think.. to just not have to talk or listen. Selfish? Maybe. But necessary. I love my family though. I'm so lucky to have such a great family.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Love.

I love the sun. There is nothing better than feeling it nice and hot on your bare shoulders. What could make it better? Perhaps a pool to cool off in with a nice cold beer in hand. It was a good day.

I love staying busy. Today I had just enough time with nothing to do. In fact, I do believe I was quite productive. I love that feeling. The feeling of getthing things done. Checking things off a list.

I love T. I can be myself with him. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh. We are perfect for each other. He cares about me. He takes care of me. He goes out of his way for me. God, I never thought I'd meet someone like that.

I'm lucky.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Contemplative.

Why is it that if I eat something fatty I feel like I have gained 5 pounds? I just ate a tortino's pizza and now feel like I have expanded in a matter of hours. Do all girls do this? I'm thinking they do. Why do we have to be so damn insecure? Oh yea.. men. And the media. Thanks you bastards.

Life is going pretty well right now. Everything I have been stressing about the last couple of days is falling into place. Thank God. Still have a few things on my mind. It'll work out I'm sure.

I keep thinking forward till the weekend. I can't wait for family to come into town.

I like not having to be very social. I need a break from people. They are my best friends but I need some time for myself. You can call me selfish. But I feel like they are being selfish and I just want to get away from that for a little while. Granted I am not cutting such people out of my life, I am just spending less time with them. They get drunk too much. They are always always talking about themselves. I mean, yes we are friends and yes I want to hear about it but I need a break. I need a break from all their problems that never go away. Yes, I am so selfish but no if they needed me I would not turn them away. It just feels good to have a distance, to do my own thing. Sometimes I feel bad and wish I made different friends. Not new ones, but others that are different from the ones I have. Ones that don't get drunk as much, or who have no body image problems, who like good clean fun. But at the same time, I don't like having a lot of friends. I am one of those people who prefer to have a few good friends and spend time alone. I don't like having a lot of so-so friends. I prefer deeper relationships. And time by myself that might be interrupted if I had to distribute my time amongst more people. I just don't find it fun to go to a party with a bunch of people I don't know anymore. Those relationships are so superficial. I am glad I got involved with PTO. Although, I always feel like an odd ball. Is it me or is it true? I just want to make some friends with the other officers. Have a good time, support each other on our future careers. I will never give up the great friends I already have. I just need a little break.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Good day.

I think the title up there about sums it up. Today was a great day. My family came over, we celebrated my birthday. It was the best birthday to date. My sister made me jewlrey. And it is such nice jewlrey I never would have guessed she made it herself! And I like it even more because of it. It was just one of those days when you are just geniunely happy. It's just like.. whoa this is why life is good. THIS is life. Life isn't school, it isn't your job, it isn't constantly thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow. Life is NOW, its the people you know, its BEING. It was a good reminder.

School starts tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers Joe so and so will call me back and I will not have to drive way the hell out there to class. Although I am going to visit T so I guess it doesnt matter tomorrow anyways. I just do not want to have to deal with driving ect. ect. But if I must, I must.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

I can't stop

I just want to eat. And eat alot. Maybe it's becuase I lived off bagels and pretzels for a week before I came home? I dunno. I am like eating constantly throughout the day and now that my parents are on this health kick, I am like getting no carbs here! And I like my carbs.

So today wasn't so bad. I went to church. Not by choice.. always go when I am home. They did the whole money speil again for the homily. I really hate that. I always seem to go when they do that, or maybe they just do it all the time. I am really not sure.

I really need to get a hobby. I have been sitting around the house the past couple of days. Doing nothing. I'm not bored but I feel like a lazy ass. Soon enough I suppose I'll be doing stuff again I suppose. Family is coming tomorrow. School starts Monday. (didn't it just end?) I have really no desire to do anything. Not even with my friends. This sounds terrible but the only person I miss is T. I wish he would call me, I haven't talked to him all day. It feels weird. I miss him. I think knowing he is out of the state makes it worse. I've gone days without seeing him before.. but never a night without saying goodnight. Maybe that is it.

I wish I could be better for him. Problem free. I will only weigh him down, maybe one day he'll realize that. I hope not.

I'm so jealous of all these people I see. people with families with normal lives. With evry day problems that are physical and that can be solved. I looked at all these people today in church and was just wondering if I'd ever be able to be like that. Happy, living, not always worrying, not always thinking about things. Being able to just live one day at a time. I just don't understand how people dont think about those things. Maybe you can learn not to.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Tired.

So I am gonna make this short. I just wanted to say a few words about T. I miss him. I just saw him last night but just knowing he is in Alabama and I can't talk to him before I go to sleep makes me sad. I've never missed anyone like this before. As terrible as it sounds, I think I only missed boys before because I was bored. But, even tonight when I was out I missed him. I miss him now. I can feel the distance.

I hate the community college. Cancelling my class 2 days before it starts. Throws everything off and Joe, the chair of communication will not return my calls. What is it about me that people find it impossible to call me back? I don't understand it. He better let me in that distance learning. I can't drive all the way downtown 4 days a week right dab in the middle of the day. I have other things I have to do... *sigh* Nothing ever works out. Why? Why is that? Can't something ever just work out without causing me any stress?

Also, I never realized just how many people have emotional issues. I could barely find a psychiatrist today.. they are all either not taking new patients or booked till the end of summer.

I can't breath. So, I am going to bed.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Headaches.

I feel like a liar. A fake. I make it seem like I am ok. I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head right now. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking how I am only 21 years old. I have at least another 50-60 years left and oh God how I can't live like this. I can't seem to get rid of this headache. I'm afraid to leave the house. I just want to stay here and not have to drive anywhere. I'm scared. And I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I don't want to be one of those people who complain about their lives and make people feel burdened around them. I don't want to bother anyone, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just don't know what to do. I've been crying all day that is when I haven't been sleeping. Somehow I'm still tired. I just wish I could be young again. I think back and realize how I wasn't happy back then, but at least I could function. I didn't have this life consuming anxiety. I would rather be unhappy for the rest of my life. If I didn't have this issue I would be happy. God, everything in my life is so fucking good why am I like this? I don't get it. Everything is fitting into place. I have great friends, a great boyfriend, school is great, I'm actually on a great path about to apply to grad school.. so perfect. Then why can't I drive down the street? Last night just completely crushed me. It's never been that bad before. T came and picked me up and I freaked out in the car. I had never done that in the presence of somenoe else before. I felt so dumb. It crushed me, it crushed any hope I had that I was getting better. I have to start all over again, oh God that was so miserable. I'm scared. Oh God I wish I believed in you. That way I could at least have some kind of hope. I will not be one of those people either who only believe in God when their life is shitty. That is just fake. I have a headache.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

well I had been looking forward to today for awhile now. so of course something bad had to happen. I'm just so mad at myself right now. I don't know what to do. I'm such a fucking failure, a fucking mess. I hate myself. I just don't know what to do about it. But if it doesnt get better then I can't fucking do this anymore. I just feel like screaming. Or sleeping and never waking up again. I have to lie more. I have to keep it all a damn secret. Sometimes I think if I weren't here how would people react. And I know they would be hurt/sad but then I think how they shouldn't be. I'm not fucking worth getting upset over. I can't even do the simplest of fucking things. I disapoint myself. God damnit. Fuck it. WHo the hell knows what I am going to do. But I can't do THIS. I just want to go into my mom's room right now and cry to her and tell her everything but I can't. Why can't I?? I hate people knowing how fucking weak I am and how I can't fix anything. I wish I had control I wish I dind't have to cry alone in my room and pretend I was fine. I just want to go to sleep but there is shit all over my bed and I'm afraid I would never get up again.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Reflections.

It feels so damn good to be home. All the stress, everything associated with school is far away and out of mind. I can't be stressed at home. It is near impossible. I love my huge room with my comfy bed, everything in it's place. I have room to actually move around. I have a kitchen. My own bathroom. I don't have physics, I don't have physiology, I don't have three labs or 8ams. I'm so thankful to put last year behind me. It had to be the worst year of my life.

I should have known last summer that something wasn't right. And indeed I think I do, I was just too embarassed and scared to do anything about it. Then it was too late and it blew up in my face. I never knew I could be scared to exist. It really is a strange thought. But to be afraid to get up in the morning and walk outside.. and even hating sleeping because the nights were so damn restlessthat you were lucky to get just a few hours of consecutive sleep. It was pure hell. Afraid to walk across the street to the gym, to go to class, to walk in front of people. To feel your legs freeze up and you are just standing there unable to move. Going completely out of your way to avoid certain situations. Playing scenarios in your head before you do just about ANYTHING. Lying, hiding.. I almost dropped out school Fall semester. I would cry everytime I was alone in my room. It was utterly unbearable. Thank God for my mom, she was so good thorugh it all. I actually let her listen to me cry on the phone I was that desparate for help. I was a mess and I tired to hide it from as many people as possible. I had to lie to my best friends because I was too embarassed to tell them I had an anxiety disorder. God, you are so trapped. Then I couldn't drive, the thought of driving scared me. I couldn't breath, I was dizzy, lightheaded all the time. Restless nights. I hate these thoughts.

I'm going to see a Psychiatrist and a therapist. My mom is behind me on this. I feel the axiety rising in me again. I'm having problems driving. It all just makes me so damn mad that I can't fix this myself. It makes me so damn mad that I am out of control of my life and I am flawed and I need help. I have to burden people around me. I don't want to be a burden. God, this is so crippling. I am so jealous of all these people who are normal. I'm alot better now.. I don't have physical symptoms but I still have the thoughts and I don't want it to escalate out of control.

I am just glad to be home.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Finished.

That word has never sounded so good to me before. It was tough once again getting there. I only got a total of about 3 hours of sleep last night. Went to bed at 1 woke up at 3:30.. fell back asleep sometime around 6 and woke up at 7. I don't even know what was bothering me this time. I just woke up, general feeling of discontent, mind racing, staring at the clock. It was one of those days when I look at the clock and I have this impression somehow that the numbers are supposed to mean something other than what time it is. I think this time I was trying to calculate some kind of equation.. yea I'm not sure. But I couldn't fall back asleep. Then I had to get my tetanusshot and it feels like someone nailed me in the arm. And it is supposed to feel worse tomorrow? Good thing I timed that and moving at the same time..

So my last test was extremely difficult. I dont know how I did. I usually end up doing better than I think on those test so I hope that current trend continues. Ah well. It is over, and the thought is so beautiful.

Went out with my sister for lunch. They didn't even card me! Ha. Figures.

I need to start cleaning and packing. Somewhere under all this mess is my hair brush and I am in desperate need of it.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

It's my birthday!

So I'd have to say that today I had a great day. Started off a little rough. I couldn't sleep last night because I am a hypochondriac. I was walking to the library last night and this rusty chunk of metal peirced through my sandal and into my heel and made me bleed. So of course I freak out that I could have tetanus. Look it up on webmd.com and realize that it has a 40% fatality rate and freak out even more. So, I don't know my tetanus immunization status. Have to wait till the next day to find it out. So of course I can't sleep. I am a master at getting myself worked up over things. Woke up about a millions times during the night hyperventilating. So it turns out I havent had a shot in 9 years. So I now have to go get a booster within 48 hours just in case. Went today and there was a huge line to see the doc so now I have to go tomorrow at 8:25 before my test.

After that things looked up. T came and picked me up then we met a bunch of people at Trudy's for lunch. I drank an entire Mexican Martini and since I haven't been eating much lately it went straight to my head and I was still tipsy at 3:30 that afternoon when I got to the library, sat down to do some renal physiology problems and realized I had no clue what was going on and that I was very light headed. So I went home. Went back later for another 5.5 hours. Then gave up. I'm afraid my head is going to explode. But anyway, this was a good bday, I didn't even mind studying all that much afterwards. And my brother actually remembered it this year.. I bet my mom told him. Oh well. I got a lot of happy birthdays which make me happy.

I'm going to try to get a job at this tuxdeo rental place. Not my first choice, but they need people and my friend works there and I need the money. So I can go out drinking all the time. No I'm just kidding. ALthough I'm not saying that is never going to happen..heh. I like to make money so I don't feel guilty when I buy something. I always feel guilty. After every single purchase. Hell I feel guilty buying gas or food.

Man, I really do feel old. What a difference from one day to the next. Never thought it was possible to feel a change like that in less than 24 hours. I think everything is just hitting me. I'm growing up. I'm a friggin grown up. I'm applying to grad school, I'm doing something with my life, I'm moving into a whole new phase. Things aren't going to be the same anymore. Normally this would freak me out, but somehow I feel this inner peace about it all. LIke I'm ready. Maybe I was getting bored in that old chapter. I like to think about all the opportunities I have waiting for me.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Man oh man.

I am feeling the pressure mount now. I cannot believe how much material is gonna be covered on my physiology test. I am beginning to have my doubts that making an A is at all possible. I gave up in the middle of studying today and tried to calculate what I need to make in order to get an A. For a straight up A I need an 86 (damn near impossible). If she cuts off an A around an 87, I only need an 80 (much more possible). And I'm thinking there is going to be a slight curve since her class is so damn hard. How are we supposed to know every single detail about an entire semester of material?? Yes, I realize we should know this anyway.. that's the point of going to school to learn and remember... but I am just incredibly stressed about this. Espeically now I made an A (somehow.. I don't know) in my physics lab. (perhaps a damn miracle?) Now that 4.0 is so close I can taste it I don't want to lose it. Granted I could fail miserably and still make a B and the temptation to not study is so great.. I cannot do that to myself. I have to TRY. Why do I care so damn much about my stupid grades?? My therapist told me it was because I put too much of my self worth on my preformances. Well.. yes in fact I do. But yes, I do realize that if I didn't always make A's it would not be the end of the world nor would people be disapointed in me or think less of me. I say I do it for myself. If I CAN do it, why shouldn't I? And I CAN make an A its just a matter of how much I want to study.

Less than 12 hours and I will be 21. It is hard to believe. I feel really old. And I think buying alcohol is going to feel very strange and uncomfortable at first. I guess I will get ovr all that in one big step as I go and buy a keg on Monday. Tomorrow is lunch. I hope everyone comes. I hate expecting people to, then have them not show up. I guess I feel it reflects badly on me. I guess not though. It's just me.

I have to go the library in 30 minutes. I am dreading it. Seriously dreading it.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

another day.

I don't really have much to say about today, but I am going to try to write in this thing every day. Just to kind of keep track of all my thoughts and moods. So I guess I should start by commenting on my mood. I feel pretty good today. I don't even feel stressed about finals right now. It's 10:45 at night and I wish I was tired enough to just go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow and get a shower and get breakfast. Man, I wish I was one of those people who could get up early and still function throughout the day. I would love to get up in time to watch the sunrise with a big cup of coffee. Have enough time to go to the gym and shower before I had to be anywhere. Too bad I don't think that is ever going to happen unless something in my biological clock suddenly changes. I wasn't meant to be up before 10am.

I found this quote on the ceiling of the library today:
"If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on !""
~Rudyard Kipling

I really liked it. SOmetimes I just have the feeling like I can't go on, I can't do it anymore.. not life all the time, small things too. For instance studying for my tests forever and ever. So maybe it was good motivation. It's a good thought to have throughout life if you fail, or if your struggling and just don't want to do it anymore.. don't give up, press on.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I'll try to sleep although I don't think that is an option at this point.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Two more classes left.

Checking Physics off the list. Made an A, uncurved. Pretty good I guess.. but I still only made an 83 on the final. I wish I had done better. Being a perfectionist is a terrible thing. Even though I made an A I am still not happy. That is just crazy.

So two more classes left. BIO lab and physiology. I only need a 68 on my bio lab. I'll study for that tomorrow. I just don't want to slack too much because what if I don't get that 68? I'm not doing as weel on my finals this year as I thought I would. I don't want to get overly sure of myself and mess it up. Physiology is going to be so incredibly hard it is insane. I looked over the stuff today and I don't even know where to start. It will be a long weekend that is for sure. But I must do good. I HAVE to prove to myself that I can do it. That way I don't end the year with a sour note of just barely making it by. I want to pass with flying colors.

Secured a volunteer job. Fantastic. Good bye Saturday mornings. I can't get in contact with the spine center. Maybe it wasn't meant to be? Or maybe I havent pressed hard enough. I must get that volunteer position!

So the stress is mounting. My mom said it best.. I look at everything I need to do and clump it into this big pile of things that I look at all at once. I need to sort it out and take things one step at a time. ANd I know she understands where I am coming from. She has the same issues that I do. I can't believe I was worried about talking to her. Embarassed is more like it I guess. I look at my problems as a weakness. It's not fun exposing your weaknesses to other people even if they are family and they love you. She would do anything to help me. I can't believe there is a person out there who would do anything to help ME. Talking to her today though made me realize this was true. And I could go talk to her about anything if I needed to she would totally understand me and be there to pick up all the peices.

Deep breaths... that's what I keep telling myself. In and out nice and slow.. don't let your mind get carried away.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Contrast.

I can't believe I am the same person today that I was yesterday. I woke up surprisingly refreshed, ready to take on the day. I unloaded all of my worries on T last night. Not details per say, just the major issues. That is unusual for me. Usually I have the whole "it's your problem you deal with it" mindset but I tried to let someone else in for once. T offered to come up today and hang out, very nice of him. I decided I deserve a break, although I will be feeling guilty I am not camped out in the library the night before my physics final. Howeer, I was there since 9:30 this morning.. a good 6 straight hours. Not to mention the 8 I spent yesterday. I fear if I study anymore I'll burn myself out.. more so than I am already burned out. I'm gonna let fate take its course so to speak. Just do it. And be done with Physics forever. Wow. Nothing has sounded so good to me.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Worried Dizziness

I keep worrying today. I'm afraid it is all gonna happen again. I was doing so good for awhile there. Then the other day.. in the car.. it started again. I was so disapointed in myself. I thought I had overcome this all. Then today I had some bad thoughts. I am never going to be normal. I can't handle anything.. ok stop thinking about it.

It only leads to trouble. But the trouble is, I can't stop thinking. I wish there was an off/on switch on your brain. I would turn it off and leave it there. Damnit. When I think of all the things I have to do this summer, I want to crawl into my bed and never come out.

I hate this week. I feel good too. I feel good that I can work for something, I have been so damn lazy the entire semester. Now it's my chance to get back on top of things. To prove to myself that I still have it in me. But I would rather be drinking and watching reality TV.

I like to pack up my room. Whenever I feel like I just can't stand this place I pack up a box. It reminds me that soon I'll be outta here. It's getting closer.

I wish I had the perfect body, the perfect soul, the perfect personality. One that just attracted people, it was inevitable. I hate how I am so shy and akward. I wish I had the flattest stomache ever, the prettiest face. I wish I could turn heads. With out a doubt gorgeous. It couldn't be disputed. I sound so vain. It makes life easier that way. But then again, even if I was drop dead gorgeous I might not even know it and be just as unhappy as I am now. Funny how life works like that. All about perspectives. Damn, I wish I could get some new ones.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sunday Night.

Well, today was mother's day. My mom had a great time and she enjoyed the food me and my sister made very much which in turn made me happy. I like to be able to do something for my mom, even if it's as small as brunch. She has done so much for me and I take and take and never have anything to give back to her.

Watched this documentary on HBO tonight entitled "Rehab". I could completely see how people could get addicted to drugs. It starts out innocently enough, once or twice then it just snowballs into something you have no control over. But then at the same time, I don't know how you could let yourself get into that position. Just by doing cocaine or heroin you should know you are taking the risk that you could get addicted. You should just stay away from that shit to begin with. It is sad to see people like that. Shooting up and sleeping in their cars, telling themselves they are going to get clean only to constantly disapoint yourself and your family. It must be so hard on the families. I would rather die than do that to my family. How can you take advantage of them like that? I guess I wouldn't understand because I'm not that desperate.

I am not looking forward to this week. I know I just have to make it 8 more days and I can do it. I just don't want to do it. I'm glad it is pouring outside. It puts me in the right mindset. I hope it rains all day tomorrow so I can just stay in the library all day long. Why do I feel so guilty for taking a two day break away from school? It's like I constantly have to be going and if I'm not I'm thinking of all the things I should be doing. I think I've made about 3 To-do Lists in the past couple days. Slightly obsessive? Yes.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I'll probably regret this

Somedays I find myself so angry with God, which is weird because I always tell myself I don't believe in him. Then I get to thinking I must somehow do, if I can sit and be angry with him. I am mostly angry because he can let you feel the way you do and then leave you utterly alone. Then I say to Him, you must not exist because if you did you wouldn't do this. You wouldn't let me feel this way and then not be here to comfort me. But that leads me to my first point, if I didn't believe in God, I would never scorn him for not being there for me.

There have been countless times where I would close my eyes and say, "God please let me know you're here with me" and I'd open them foolishly expecting something to change. It never does. Foolishly expecting that there would be something waiting for me that would let me know God was really there for me. I have never felt not alone.

There are parts of me that wishes I could really belive in God. But I can't lie to myself and say I do when I just don't feel it. It crosses my mind frequently. I really wish I could have faith. But I can't. I won't fake it and as far as I'm concerned we really are alone. I feel so alone.

I feel like screaming sometimes when I think about all the unresolved issues I have buried inside me. Issues I can't ever let anyone else catch onto. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes I dont recognize the person I see staring back at me. How can that person be so normal when on the inside so conflicted so torn up?

I hate myself even more for being that way. Look at all I have. I have everyting anyone could possibly want how can I still have problems, still have issues?? It isn't fair to those who really have problems. I'm so weak, I'm so selfish. I should be happy. Why can't I be??

I'm still angry at my grandfather. Why couldn't I cry? Why did I have to pretend I was fine? Until I broke down and bawled in front of everyone. Why was he so selfish, so weak that he left my grandma alone to blame herself? I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that weak.

I know I can never be good enough for anyone. I know I will always have problems and I can't burden anyone else with them. That's why I think, I should just end it now. Good thing I'm a coward I guess and would never be able to do it. I know I would hurt some people, couldn't do that to them even if they are foolish for actually letting themselves get upset over something like that. Everyday I think about it. I think about something. I think about being so damn scared of everything.

I'm sick of faking it.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Done.

It feels good to check things off a list. Nothing feels better than putting a big black line through something that has been giving you grief for an extended period of time. Nothing feels better than the accomplishment of getting something done.

This week I have had the pleasure of crossing three things off my list:
1. Physics Lab
2. Ballroom dance
3. Substance Abuse Prevention

Crossing Physics lab off the list was not as sweet as it could have been. I am done with the class (thank the good Lord) but I fear I will get a B. Man. I disapoint myself. I did horribly on the final and if I had done decently I could have gotten an A. Then applied to PT school with a 4.0. Three years of my college career I could have had that 4.0. That dream is flushed down the toilet. Not that it matters. To anyone but me that is.

Ballroom dance will be missed. That is why I am going out dancing tonight, so it can in some way live on.

Substance Abuse Prevention was a joke and a half but I am still glad to no longer have debates or 8am classes.

I feel a rush of relief as I do not start finals till Wednesday. I am going to make the best of this weekend and till hell week begins. Dancing, tennis, movie watching, wine drinking and dinner cooking will commence. I look forward to it all.

That's really what you have to do in life. Constantly hope for things in the future, and have a list of great things to come. Otherwise you will get bogged down with the monotony and disapointment that is life on a day to day basis. I know that sounds extremely pessimistic. But it does come from personal experience. Think about what one's daily life consists of. Either 1. going to work or 2. going to school. Work is typically 9 hours/day. You get home, your tired. You plop in front of the TV, you cook up whatever you can find for dinner and you go to bed only to start the same routine over again the next day. Amount of time spent in school varies. yet, when you get home it follows you there. Your doing papers, homework, studying for tests, downing caffiene trying to stay awake long enough to make it through the notes, you go to bed finally, wake up take that test and then start the whole process over again for the next test. This is life every day. Not very appealing. You have to look forward to the weekends. You have to focus on that party on Friday night or that lunch with a friend Saturday afternoon in order to make everything you are doing today worth a damn.

I need to get out of this place. For a change if for nothing else.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I get sick of the same old things all the time. I guess that's why I got a new a blog. It beats dying your hair until you get it to some unnatural color and then you have to pay 50 bucks to get it back to semi-normal.