Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It has been quite a long time since I have written in this thing. Since then a lot has been going through my mind. Mainly why I do the things I do. Does it mean that I am really not happy? I'm beginning to question myself about that a lot lately. Maybe it is because I am afraid and want to sabtoge myself? I think since I have this fear of failure I also have this subconscious sabatoging mechanism. It's like if I screw it up for myself, I can't fail, if one defines failing by being rejected by others, or failing in other's eyes. I tend to sabatoge a lot. I noticed this too in simple things such as playing a game of tennis. I can be ahead by so much and then all the sudden I friggin loose it. Hitting balls all over the place. How can this be all the sudden? I was doing good.. maybe it's because I'm afraid to fail when I really really try. Therefore, I am messing it up for myself. I don't know. That's the only thing I can really think of. I also feel I sabotage me and T's relationship some too. I won't really go into details. I am also lately in this fog of doubt. Am I really happy with it? Then I really want to get engaged but at the same time I think sometimes: what would it be like if I was with another person? I know that sounds completely awful. I know we have this great connection. Our senses of humor fit to the tee, he is smart and successful and motivated. He is nice to me. He loves me. PERFECT. So then why am I having doubts? I think it might have something to do with sex. It's just like I am always disapointed in that realm. I wonder if we had this amazing sex life, would it make a difference at all? Maybe not. But, I love this kid and I have no intentions on leaving him. Every now and then I just have these thoughts.. I think when he moves in December it will be a great time of enlightenment. I will get to see how things will work while he is out in the working world. How much will I miss him? How will things change in regards to us doing things ect. ect.

I think I am phsychologically flawed. Like most people. We all have our issues. I won't dwell too much here. I want happiness but am almost too afraid to let myself have it.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night having these insistant thoughts on how I needed to build up my self confidence. I know I do. Therapy again? So far it hasn't helped. I'm getting discouraged. But I guess I should try try try.

Time for a tiny nap before studying all night long.


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