Monday, October 31, 2005

I lookin the mirror and don't know who've I become recently. I have been so damn careless and stupid and wrong and I really am beginning to hate the person I am turning into. It seems to be uncontrollable though. I vow to myself I will change but I just never do. If you would have asked me if I would ever do half the stuff I have done 5 years ago, you would have seen me be completely repulsed that you would even have to ask it.

Damn, I feel so lonely right now. It hit right after I got off the phone with T. I was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and I realized just how lonely I feel. I'm worried about our relationship. I'm worried there is something missing. It's like we get along great, we make each laugh all the time. I love how he is so motivated and going places with his life and yet I still almost seem to be looking somewhere else for something- I don't know what. It crushes me though. I almost feel like I wish we could put our relationship on hold. It's not like I ultimately want to be with anybody but him- it's just like I feel I need this time- mylast year of no responsibility for myself. And he is so far away- I do get lonely. All the time. I feel like I never see him, I feel like he doesnt' hang out with my friends enough, I feel like I am missing out on some things because of him. ANd isn't that terrible? Souldn't that all not matter ifyou love someone? I have no doubt I love him. I just.. I just I don't even know. I'm so mad at myself for not knowing. SOmetimes I just want to go on a break with him but he wuld nevr go for that. I want to be with him in the end. Sometimes just not know and can that even be possible? It's just like I need to have my last little bit of guilt free crazy fun. If he liked to go out it would be no problem. It's just I feel bad going out and I usually end up doing something dumb and stupid and hating myself forever. I hate the guilt ofdoing what everyone else does. Yet, at the same tme it's like I don't want to do it.. God it's so confusing.

I wish I did have God in my life I can't even describe it. I wonder if I would get lonely then? It's just that I am missig something to live for- someone to look up to, to give me strength. It's just me here and well, I'm not doing too well on my own. Now where can I turn?

I always wished for abig sign so I could know God was there. If I need him so much why couldn't he just let me know?? I don't get it. I mean I knwo you arent supposed to test God, but I don't really think of it as testing.. just comforting someone who is really down on their faith at the moment.

I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this stuff. My friends are too gossipy. No one would understand and most importantly not judge me. I need someone who will accept me, and not look down on me.

I feel like I drink too damn much but it's like I can't stop. I've got to be some sort of alcoholic.

I'm messing up my damn life. All my plans. I worry I make too many plans. What if I miss out on something great because it wasn't in the original blueprints?

God, what am I doing?

Please guide me. I need a guide. I beg you. Help me. You said you help sinners well I feel like the biggest of all. Please.


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