Wednesday, September 14, 2005

new method

So I realized today that I only write obscure things in here. I only write when I am having issues to get them off my chest and I tend to neglect all the good things and everyday things that go on in my life. I guess I am worried about becoming recognizable perhaps.. but then, I dont really think anyone reads this anyway. So I am going to try to just document my days on top of all those obscure worries ect.

So today was an ok day I suppose. I could not fall asleep for the life of me last night. I didn't look at the clock because there was no point to it. I would just worry about how late it was getting and count in my head how many hours of sleep I could get if I fell asleep at that exact moment. I just know that when I woke up the next morning I was not happy. Groggy and grumpy would be an understatement! But I went to class- all went well.

I had my psychiatry appointment today as well. I really liked the guy. He was really in tuned with what was going on with me, the only thing I found odd was his preoccupation with my sexual activity and the fact that I had never had an orgasm. Geez. As if I already don't feel insecure enough about that to have to sit there and talk to a stranger who suggested I consult my OBGYN about it for at least 10 painfully awkward minutes. Did I have a vibrator? Did I masturbate? Jesus. I hardly like talking to my closest friends about that shit!! He also wants to DOUBLE my dosage of meds. I mean, I guess I'll give it a shot. I'm just worried about it.. getting off eventually and stuff. I mean what's the point of taking meds now? Eventually I'm going ot have to deal with this stuff without them, why not it be now? Too late I really started thinking about that on my walk back to my apartment so it was too late to consult the doc. Oh well. I'll give it a shot for now. He thinks I could be doing even better tha I am now, I'm gonna give it a go.

I took a quite delightful nap today. Didn't get ANYTHING accomplished, but you know, that's how the cookie crumbles. I desperately needed that nap. I had the weirdest dreams though. Sex/demons/poop. One disturbign thing (if the previous statement wasn't disturbing enough) is I was looking in the mirror in my dream. It was actually a window that I could see my reflection in and something was not right with me. I was like possessed.. evil.. mean looking. Why I wonder am I portraying myself like that in my reflection?

Watched Nip/Tuck again with A. I already watched those episodes.. guess I can't get enough!!

So N from the hospital wants to get together and go to a volleyball game. I want to go. I'm all up for making friends ect. but I'm worried T will have a problem with it. N knows perfectly well I have a long term relationship. I have been corresponding with him over email for about the past month and its a harmless public volleyball game. I know T will think he wants to get in my pants. He always thinks that about any guy I talk to for some reason. ANd I don't want to not tell him or lie about it. So I guess I just have to mention it and see how he takes it. He thinks people should not make friends of the opposite sex after you are in a committed relationship. I disagree. I shoudnt' be limited to the people I can befriend just because they happen to have a dick. That's gotta be some sort of discrimination. It bothers me, it really does.

But I love T. I'm sooo happy with him. It's incredible. Did I ever think I would find something like this? Nope. But I"m sure happy that I did!!

I guess I should do some reading or something so that I did not have a completely wasteful day.

So I think this was a much better entry. More rounded and more like who I actually am instead of complaints complaints and worries.

1 Comments:

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7:20 PM  

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