Tuesday, August 23, 2005

thoughts

So it has been yet another couple days since I last wrote. I guess a lot of shit went down between now and then. I don't really like talking about it though. It's embarassing. I have come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't drink. It brings out the worst in me. I have tried this before, yes, and it hasn't worked but I need to try again. One would think: Hey, why not just try to limit the amount of alcohol consumed? Yea. That REALLY doesn't seem to work. I have a loss of control while drinking. One drink, two drink, three, ect. It just never seems enough until I can't remember what happened or wish I didn't. And apparently, I am not emotionally stable enough to get so beligerantly drunk since I always end up crying.. not exceptionally happy like some. Threats are made. I made T come over. I promptly passed out in his lap. I worried him, I'm pretty sure I worried others as well. The next day I did not even get off the couch until abuot six at night.. I had to lie to my parents. Telling them I didn't feel good and that's why I couldn't come out with them.. telling them I had no idea why I felt sick. I'm disgusted in myself. I hate lying. I hate the way I act drunkingly. Therefore, I need to stop. Why drink anyway?

I thought about this question. I think I like to drink because I am so damned shy.. shy so I won't talk as much if I don't. Shy and I'll feel akward in social situations if I don't. I laugh more, I say more witty things. Yea, the list goes on. So now I'm sort of challenging myself. Obviously I don't change into a different person while intoxicated. So, I challange myself to learn to cope with my social insecurities and be the more outgoing person I am while drunk without the mess that comes with drinking.

It's going to be difficult not to drink. It's EVERYWHERE. And I'm pretty sure that I will drink. But I want to hold off for a bit, work on my self control. Then learn to limit myself gradually.

Truth is, I guess, I have not been happy. More worried perhaps? I have this anxiety. I'm worried it will never go away or that I won't be able to control it so that I can live a semi- normal life and take care of my husband and kids and make friends and go places. When I think of never reaching the point where I could do all of those things, that is when I get sad, that is when I start thinking of bad things. I've tried to get help, but I don't think it's working. I guess I shouldn't give up on it.. but it is discouraging. Lack of hope equals depression.

I decided I need to go back to church. Any church. I'm missing something. Although my faith is lacking, maybe just maybe something will speak out to me. I would love to believe in God, I'm just not the type of person who can lie myself into anything.. including faith. But I really honestly do want to believe. How can I get there?

It's just so hard when all you need is something- and you can't get it. I've cried some nights and said God please, please be here with me... and felt nothing. So why should I believe when I don't feel it?

I desperately want to be a better person. I want to grow and stop being so damn scared all the time. I'm really going to try. It's going to be so damn hard too. But life isn't easy I suppose.

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