Friday, August 19, 2005

ramblings

It has been quite the time in the new apartment I have to say. I have really been enjoying all this space and freedom. Sunday I spent the whole day with Am watching the first season of Nip/Tuck. Literally. Did not get out of the PJs all day (except for the gym). Monday I ran some errands and got things so I can finally start making jewlery like I have been wanting to do. I'm afraid my skills are lacking, but hopefully with practice I'll be able to make some cool things. Tuesday T came down. Everyone went to Cain and Ables. I had a lot to drink and ended up getting thouroughly drunk on Bud Light. Saw some people I knew there. It was good times. However, later that night the damn condom broke. I think I have bad luck with condoms or something. I have had like 4 break on me, I thought these things were tested three times?? Seriously beginning to doubt that! Then I went to T's apartment for a couple of days. That was an ok time. I got a little bored actually. But, I suppose there really is not a whole lot to do. I did what I would have done.. only with T so that was nice. Saw Skeleton Key. Wasn't that great and not scary at all which was disapointing. Played tennis. It was too damn hot for that. It felt like 104 degrees I later found out. Sweet Jesus. Are we insane for going out in that? That night we drank some rum. I went crazy. Saying how I think about cutting my wrists sometimes. Which I do, but no one wants to hear that. But, they blame it on the rum at least that way. I woke up thinking how I would completely regret the way I carried on and feel slightly embarassed. But I didn't. That's really how I feelsometimes it wasn't exaclty like I was just being a complete beligerant drunk, although I probably shouldn't have gone on the way I did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess.

Feeling slightly crazy about other matters. I just found out someone from my past is in a new relationship. I don't know why this bothers me. I never talk to them or anything.. do I really want them to be unhappy and alone? Am I that sick and demented? Seriously, what's my problem?? I should just wish them happiness. That's what any normal person would do. Ugh. It's hard to be honest with your feelings. You realize your a whole lot of a worse person than you think.

That's why I write in this thing where nobody knows who I am. That way I can try to be honest without the risk of getting judged. And if I am judged, who cares? It's by a complete stranger who has no idea who I am.

Sometimes I thnk of how normal I seem on the outside to everyone. They don't know half the thoughts that run through my head. The unhappiness, the lonliness, how frightened I really am.

I get depressed if I start to think how I may never lead a completely normal functioning life. That's when the whole wrist thoughts come into my head. I would never actually do it I don't think, but you know, the thoughts are there sometimes, I'm guessing thats not completely normal?

Sometimes I just feel my life lacks excitement. Like I should be doing more with myself. I guess that's up to me though.

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