Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's funny how things can change all the sudden. Im trying to come to terms with my emotions as I am sitting here int he dark writting this.

I have always struggled with depression. Now when my closest friend talks to me about how she thinks about killing herself I almost feel mad. I'm tryng to figure out why this is. Shouildn't someone who has experienced these feelings herself be more empathetic than anything else? I might be mad because I try hard to conceal my depression in order not to burden those around me. And maybe I am upset because she is laying this huge burden on me. Maybe I'm mad because it's not fair that I can't lay my own burden on someone else and not have to keep it hidden. Maybe I'm mad because the whole damn world is fucked up. I just don't know.

I'm mad because she takes it out on being angry and bitter and we all have to put up with her. Or because she really does not have a bad life and she should be thankful but instead is depressed and angry. Which would only make me a hypocrit because I have a good life too and yet I'm depressed and angry. Maybe I am mad because it is making me realize things about myself I don't want to know.

I just really do not know what to do. I don't know how to handle these situations and I don't want the responsibility of it. But I want to fix it at the same time. Magically. But life's too real for that.

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