Thursday, July 21, 2005

Ugh.

I don't know what exactly to say about the way I have been acting lately. Espeically towards T. Am I really that stressed out? I am just utterly depressed lately. I was told to go up on my medication.. so I did. The past two days only. I think I've felt a little different. But it could all be psychological really.. and it wasn't like I felt less depressed either. Just..weird.

I've been having extra trouble driving. I get freaked out on the way to school in the morning when it is so damn crowded on the road. I have to turn. I felt panicky today. When I had to give my speech though, I didn't feel physically as nervous as I normally do. I didn't know if it was the medication or what. I remember when I took the xanax. I couldn't cry. It was physically impossible and the most disturbing feeling I have ever felt. I felt like that a little today.. it wasn't good.

I have been having these strange urges lately. The other day it was to tear down everything in my room. Today it was to hide under my desk.

Why am I so damn unhappy? Maybe it's the way my body wants to deal with all this change.

I have been being really mean to T. I think I am just pushing him away. I talked to A about him. I think that plays a big part in all this. She notices I am not happy, but says it could just be the living situation. That's totally possible.

At this time I just want to curl in a ball in a dark corner and cry and cry. I know I'm a fucking pansy. Fuck.

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