Sunday, July 17, 2005

sigh.

I love the rain. I am currently enjoying myself, sitting here typing in this blog listening to both my music and the rain falling down outside. It's great. I got poured on today and it rained all the way home from T's apartment. I don't know why I like the rain so much. It just gives me a cozy feeling.. I just want to stay inside in my PJs and I love it when I can do that during a good rain.

I don't know what to do about Friday's situation. Tomorrow I have to confront it head on however.

I just haven't been completely happy with T lately. I don't know what's changed all the sudden. I have this horrible feeling I'm getting bored with him. That sounds terrible. I mean, I still love him, but some things have been getting to me lately. For example, we don't really do anything. We sit around ALL THE TIME. I realize our schedules are all off and spending money is less than desirable. I realize this.. but please could we do something sometime? He never initiates anything, I feel like I have to twist his arm to gte him out. Maybe that's why I was drawn to this kid. We did our intro speeches and he talked about how he did all these different things.. and then he asked me to the lake. Sounded like fun. This kid actually goes out and does things. I kinda want to be his friend. I don't know if this is possible? But I had this weird attraction to him. Before I ever talked to him, which is bad. I usually don't get like that around boys. It's like cheating with my mind.

I just want some damn excitment. IS that too much to ask?

T is very safe. Lately we havent' been our usual goofy selves. I know he'll make a good living, he gets along with my family..

I just feel friggin trapped in all my decisions. I feel like I am going to miss out on all my crazy colelge years by settling down too fast.

How do you come to terms with these feelings? A said as long as it's worth missing out on those opportunities then it's all good. But do I feel like it's worth it? Not so much lately. Maybe it's me pulling myself away.. or maybe it's something else?

We were drinking the other night and I asked T: does it ever freak you out that this is it? you'll never date another girl again? Of course he says no. I told him it freaks me out. I told him I've told Am how I've had urges to sabatoge the relationship. WHich is a whole other story completely. What is wrong with me?

I want crazy fun. Last crazy fun of the rest of my life is this year.. am I gonna miss out??

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