Sunday, July 03, 2005

pictures

I feel very lucky. Lucky that I have found someone to share a great love with. Some people are never lucky enough to have this. I feel very special. And happy. Wow. I just realized that I've been happy lately.. truely happy. It's amazing. I haven't felt this way in a long long time. And I really do belive it has something to do with T. I never thought I could find someone like him. I am lucky.

On another note however.. I was at his house today waiting for him to get ready so I was looking through some of his mom's family photo albums. It was T as a baby, and a little kid.. he got older.. then bam! It's him and his ex gf. I KNOW they are not together for good reasons but it just hit me hard. I felt sick to my stomache. There was this one of the two of them and T is kissing her on the cheek. I think that's when I slammed the damn thing shut and put it back. It's just not cool to see someone you love kissing someone else. Even if it was in the past. Something else bothered me. SHe just seemed to fit in, like she was playing cards with the family at the table. In one T was playing with her hair. It made me honestly sick. I rarely get physically sick from my emotions. I just feel like.. I've never done that.. I've never hung otu with his family and played cards. So then I looked at the date. 2003. They had been together almost three years at that point. What do you expect? We have been together just over ONE year. Of course you can't be as close to the family as she was. And its a picture. Pictures can be decieving. you never really know exactly what was going on. It's a still frame, it captures ONE moment out of the many that surrounds that one moment. It's impossible to know. T loves you now and that's all that matters. Why is there that sneaking suspicion that maybe his parents like her more than me? Then I think: it doesn't matter. T is all that matters and we are unbelievably happy. Three years from now I think I will be a part of the family and there will be many card games.

Another thing that had bothered me: when I first started dating T, his mom had a pic of him and his ex at christmas time up framed. Why did she still keep that thing up after they had broken up? I want to be in a framed picture. Next Christmas there better be one of me and T up somewhere!

I just did not like seeing those things. You just don't want to see it, no matter what. I have those same kind of pictures with my ex (of course my mother took the pics down after the breakup however!) but at the time you were happy, and "in love". That's how it works! I just wish I could have lived in ignorance of the living proof.

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