Saturday, July 23, 2005

oh get me away from here I'm dying

It has been a bit since I have written in this thing. I've been feeling extra depressed lately, however, last night I piped back up quite a bit.

The GRE is over and done with. I wonder if that had a lot to do with my general discontentment. After it was over I felt a huge wave of releif. The night before I couldn't sleep and kept having dreams I was late. It went better than I thought it would. I"m just glad it is over.

Now lately I have been feeling so discontent in my relationship with T. I really don't know where all of this came from because for awhile there I was just so unbelievably happy with him. I think I got bored. We never did anything and I was just feeling trapped and stressed and sitting around doing nothing didn't help to allieviate any of that tension. I really do love T. So why then have I been treating him so badly? There is this line in a song that reminds me of our relationship as of lately.. it goes:
"tell me what you were thinkin
to treat somebody so
the care he took the
lengths to which he'd go
coals are hot to walk
across without your shoes
but in the end
know that you got nothin to lose"

I just feel I have been treating him badly and I have no right to be doing that. He hasn't done anything but be good to me. I dunno.. I think I was just looking for some excitement. But, I shouldn't give him up in order to find excitement for a little while. It's not worth it. I can find things that are exciting to me and still be with him. It's just at this time in my life I am almost freaking out about everything. I just realized I have never finished anything. I always start things but then stop halfway through. Maybe its an unrealized fear of commitment, unwillingness to stick with anything. I feel trapped when I think of my future. When you get serious with someone.. when you say yes and put that ring on your finger I don't think there is any turning back and no matter how right it may be I can't help but freak out a little at the thought of it. Going to PT school. Big deal. Big decision. Big step in my life. Reversable. Yet big. Scary.

I went up on my meds. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, I feel weird but I don't know if its the meds or my head which is very possible. Sometimes I just feel like screaming.

I'm also going back to the gym. I need to. I always feel unattractive when I don't go although I doubt there really is any change in my body composition. Also, it helps mentally and now all this GRE stuff is behind me I can relax and have a little extra time for things such as the gym. It is better for me than being indolent and sitting in front of the TV all day long. Really need to get a hobby! I'm going to the library tomorrow to research sushi for my speech. While I'm there I think I will find a book to read. T also gave me his DVD to learn the guitar. Maybe I will try that too since my guitar has been collecting dust in the corner for so long.

Oui. I wish there was someting I could do to not let myself get so worked up over things.


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