Friday, July 01, 2005

Long Time

It has been a long time since I wrote in this thing. I guess I should write since it is to keep track of my day to day thoughts. Actually, I haven't been here pretty much all week long. It was a fabulous break from the monotomy of life. I feel refreshed.

I have been thinking about this anxiety a lot lately. Not really having it which is the weird part, but thinking about having it which is almost as debilitating. Before I do anything I think: "will I have anxiety issues?" "will I have to drvie there and can I make it?" It's terrible. I wonder.. how do you fix that? I tend to fixate on things. I have fixated on this issue. Is it possible to find something else to fixate on instead? Can I so easily transer fixations?

I'm a little disapointed in the therapy. I just feel like I am talking myself in circles here and not coming to any solutions. I want solutions damnit. I am worried when she says "girls your age really just want to fix things instead of just accepting that as a part of who you are." So why am I in therapy if not to fix my problems? I don't get it. I can talk to my friends about these issues for free. I was surprised to find out she charges 90 bucks per session. Thank God for insurance or else it wouldn't be worth it.

I realized that I feel out of it most of the time. Just like my head is a millin miles away. Tell me, is this normal? I'm not really sure what normal feels like. Sometimes, as much as I dislike taking medication I wish there was a magic pill. I could take it and feel fine, normal, great! No worries, no clouded head, full of confidence. That is the quick fix. Damn things aren't htat easy. Next day in therapy I want to work on my confidence. Why do I have such low self esteem and what can I do to fix it?


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