Saturday, July 09, 2005

Happy.

I'm feeling a lot happier today. I wonder if it is in correlation with going out and being social last night. And the fact that A came over for dinner and I felt a lot better about our relationship afterwards. I feel like she is drifting away.. but last night seemed back to normal and I'm thankful for that. Then I went out with T for his friend's bday. That was also fun. I think I get along with his friends pretty well and I'm happy about that because I want to be able to be a part of all aspects of his life. I just wish he would spend more times with my friends. But next year when I am actually living with two of them I think he will. It's important to me that we can fit into each other's lives.. each part of it. I love him. I don't want to do anything to mess this relationship up. That's why when I go out I'm going to be extra cautious of my actions when I have been drinkig. I know I tend to get flirty if I drink a lot. So I'm just going to limit myself to a few drinks if he is not there. It's not worth the chance of messing up what we have.

I am just happy. My therapist said that this week everyone she saw said they felt more anxious/depressed. I told her the same thing. Could it have been the holiday? I'm not sure. But that's all behind me now. I drove A to starbucks last night. I'm proud of myself. I realize I have a choice to be afraid. I can chose to say to myself "driving isn't a big deal.. you can do it." Instead of "OMG you are going to have a panic attack and make a fool of yourself in front of other people.. you have no choice. That's just how it is."

Self improvement is a bitch. It's worth it in the end I think.

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