Sunday, July 31, 2005

Evening out

It has been awhile. I'm feeling a lot better from my last entry. I think maybe the medication is leveling out and I'm getting used to the higher dose. I do feel happier.. not like happy I guess, just not really down and pessimistic all the time. The anxiety has decreased substantially. I don't dwell on anxious negative thoughts as much as I once did. But really- who knows if this is all due in fact to the medication. Perhaps it is just my "up" time. My moods seem to come in phases. One week, sad, the next happy. Some weeks more anxious than others and such. Oh well. I should just learn to enjoy this time when I am happy and not so anxious.

Which is weird. I am getting ready to turn in all my application materials. And yet.. I am not nervous about it. The only thing that is bothering me is making sure all of my letters of rec get sent out on time. I hate not having contact with people. I have been leaving notes for K at the hospital not knowing if she gets them or concedes with them. I'm in the dark. I don't like it. Not to mention I got "hit on" by the receptionist there. He is a nice guy and all but tomorrow when I go in I'm going to feel very weird around him and it's gonna be embarassing and awkward. I even dreamed about it last night. Sigh. Oh well. Things happen I suppose.

I am much happier with T. The other night togheter hanging out was so great. I miss that. The fact that he is so practical still bothers me. yes, its a good quality. But EVERYTHING has to have some practicality or else it's pointless or dumb and sometimes I just want things not to have a POINT. Just to BE. Impossible with him. Still love him and willing to over look this overpractical nature. Worried about his ears. I hope everything is ok.

I really HATE HATE HATE giving speeches. Espeically of the persausive variety. My teacher is so damn strict on all of it. Jesus, we can't be professional orators like yourself. Cut us some slack. Did my research on stem cells today. Found it quite interesting. Sometimes I think I should have gone into research.. stuck with biology and done molectular or something like that. But then I also want a family and not be in school forever.

I need to do laundry and work a little more on my personal statement. I don't want them to have any reason to reject me.


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