Friday, July 15, 2005

contradictory.

I have this bad feeling. There was this guy in my speech class, I had a crush on him. Yes, I am in love with T but I had this weird crush on this other guy..

he asked me to go to the lake with him and his friends. I said.. I wasn't sure but gave him my number mainly because I was caught off guard and am not good thinking on my feet like that. He called today, I said I couldn't go.

I feel guilty. Because I did have a crush. It will be awkward I'm afraid on Monday in class.. how do I bring up that I have a bf? T said that guys don't ask girls out like that unless they want to be more than friends. I never know how to say .. "I have a bf" Am I being too up front?

The worst part is that I wish I could just be free sometimes. I wish I could have gone to the lake today.. I feel trapped. I love T.. lately he has been getting on my nerves. But that doesn't want to make me leave him. I think I am just thinking how this is it. Am I ready for it to be it? Am I ready to put everything else behind me.. and make a huge commitment? Sometimes I have this desire to just be unattached right now and do whatever I want. I don't want to do anything stupid and make a mistake.

While I was waiting for T yesterday I pulled out the picture albums again. I got to the end of the one I had been looking at with his ex in it and there were pictures of us from Christmas and his birthday. Then I realized it. It's not like his mom liked her more than me, it's not like she wanted to remember her.. she was just there and now I"m there. T said that he doesn't let his gf's get to know his mom. Why? He said that she knows me as much as she knew her. I had bad dreams about her last night. I think it was the photos.

I really make no sense. I'm so contradictory. What to do? I don't know. I'm really confused. I kinda want a break, but I know that could never happen. I want T, just I want a little bit of freedom at this moment. I know I can't do that. I'm mad that I talked to that kid in my class ever. I shouldn't have been friendly so that he never asked me to do anything and I wouldn't have to do anything and it could just stay in my head and eventually die out and not make things awkward.

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