Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Anxiety

The anxiety seems to be getting even worse these days. Even though I upped my dosage.. driving near impossible. I get so damn mad at myself when I can't do such a simple task as that. I haven't learned to accept my problem yet I suppose.

I went to the therapist today. She said it was a full moon and it has been proven that people act stranger around those times of year. I think she's full of crap. Am I paying her for this? She later semi-redeemed herself when she enlightened me on the fact that I am afraid to be independent. I mean, duh it makes so much sense. Why else would I willingly spend 3 years of my life in a dorm? I woke up panicking the other day and all I can remember is the word "Dallas." In Dallas I'm going to be 3.5 hours away from my family ALL ON MY OWN. I'll be fully responsible for everything. Responsibilty. Scary shit. She also suggested that is why I am having problems with T. Do I want to be responsible for my relationship? Ok ok this all sounds great. You are a genious therapist for enlightening me but ok.. now what? You can't just pinpoint my problem like that andleave me hanging. When do we talk about solutions? Aparently she doesn't believe in solutions she believes in full moons. Maybe when it's gone I'll be all fine and better! Sheesh. But really. I need to get a therapist who believes in cognative reshaping. I want to cope with this shit not understand that I have it, I know I have issues and I come to her to fix them. Sometimes I feel its pointless.

It's hard to accept yourself when you are behaving in ways you don't like. The worst part it, it seems like you can't even try to better yourself. That's what gets me. At least if I was working towards something I could at least say: "don't be so down on yourself! you are working towards progress!" This driving thing just really gets me. I feel smothered. I know thats what the real issue is. I'm afraid of all these life altering decisions as of late. I feel pressured, rushed... it scares me. What do you do?

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