Friday, July 01, 2005

Again.

I technically already wrote in this thing today, but I guess I am just making up for lost time. Sitting here, thinking about things.

One thing I'm curious to know is why I'm so damn interested in other people's lives. I don't really think it comes down to strictly just being nosey. It's just like I'm curious to see how other people do it. Curious to see the differences between different people and my own life. It intrigues me. People look out at the world in completely different lights. I guess that's one reason I like to read random people's journals. I don't know this person.. reading their journal means nothing to me, I shouldn't even want to read it, right? It's just like interesting to me to see what other people do with their lives, how they think about things. Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes I will see a random stranger and before I know it I have made up an entire life for them in my head. What's my fascination? Maybe my life is just so boring to me that I have to live through other peoples. Maybe it is genuine curiousity of differing perceptions. Who knows. But I am nosey. That's why I guess I am still interested in certain people's lives that I shouldn't be. It's not like I have any emotional investment anymore it's just I'm curious what the hell is going on. Then again, when I find out something I don't want to know I end up feeling badly about it. I dunno why though. At first I knew. T and her had been together for a long time. So I wanted to see what she was all about. Felt insecure. Like how can it just be OVER after that long? What do I have to live up to? That ended in disaster. But now I still read every now and then, now I am not insecure.. just to see what is up. I don't know why. I guess another part of it is boredom.

I try not to be biased here. Of course it will sound biased to say that I think she is a very odd individual. But really. She just seems sort of...young. Her priorities, the way she handles situations. Making her friend stand up for her instead of doing it herself. How she can't come to terms with things and so must lie to herself. I noticed this several times. I suppose it's a defense mechanism or something like that. There was just something.. not right. Makes me wonder why was he with her for so long? I guess that sounds mean to say it. But I wonder that. She just seemed very selfish and set in her ways. I don't understand how T could be with someone like that. But, they arent' together anymore so I guess he couldn't. But THREE YEARS? Oh well, I'm the crazy one now! Thinking about it after so long. I just was thinking about it today as I stumbled on a journal of hers and it got me to thinking.

I see me and T together though and I see how perfect we are. It amazes me. I never thought this would happen to me. Everything I could possibly want is there. I love him. We are getting married. I know it. I just hope I can be good enough.

I started reading that book and ever since I have made an effort to be more optimistic. I think it has been working, I see a difference. I realize that you DO have a choice. It makes everything a lot more bearable. A lot of it has to do with confidence too. A lot of pessimism comes from this basic fear that "I'm not good enough." But, if I pretend (until I actually belive it) that I CAN DO IT everything seems a lot better out there. It's all about confidence really. You are lucky if you've got it.

ANother thing that has been on my mind. My friend A has been hanging out with a lot more people lately. I think I am feeling jealous. Like sometimes I do not even want to do what they are doing, I just want to be there so I'm not left out. It's so weird because I usually don't care about things like that. I guess I'm worried that I don't have tons of friends since I'm introverted and would rather have a few close ones and I'm worried I will lose one of my close friends. I know this is silly because it's not going to happen, but I just can't help but feel left out. I feel like I should have more friends. But why?

I can't wait until MY LIFE BEGINS. My friend was writting today that lots of people feel like they are waiting. Waiting for something in their life, she was saying how she finally feels like she is ALIVE. That she is LIVING. Man. I'm still waiting.

I'm waiting to go to PT school, become a PT, have a family... after that is all done will I still be waiting for something else? I shouldn't WAIT I should LIVE. I've said that before. I've said how everyone is always in a hurry to get places and once they are there they don't want to be there or they are thinking about the next place they can go. That just doesn't seem right. I do it all the time. I am always thinking: "what's next?" I need to just STOP. And ENJOY THE DAMN MOMENT. Or I'll never be happy. I know it's true.

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