Sunday, June 05, 2005

Ugh.

I feel disgusting today. Not physically (I paid that price earlier..) but emotionally. I made an ass of myself last night. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I am just very mad at myself. Poor T. It makes my heart ache to know that I hurt him. I love him so much it just makes me feel sick to think I did anything wrong to him. I have been dwelling on it all day. All night too. I kept making up, I even thought about calling at 4:30am but I knew he'd be sleeping.. I should have called him back last night. Why do I have to be so damn stubborn all the time?? It only makes things worse. Granted, he should not have called me an ass even if I was being one. That's why I hung up on him I couldn't believe it. We got into a convo about God and I went crazy. I said he didn't exist and I kept pressing him to tell me of a time where he actually felt God was there.. and pressing probably in some sort of high and mighty voice implying that I was right. So I deserved it. I can't believe I flat out told him I'm athiest. Which probably isn't true. I'd say more agnostic. I hope with all my heart there is a God, I just don't feel it. I regret the whole evening to tell the truth. I hate myself for it. Damnit, keep your stupid mouth shut! And damnit you're too damn stubborn. It still hurts.

I decided also that I don't really want to get drunk. Being drunk is so dumb. I mean, it's not to say I won't drink.. but I won't be drinking in excess anymore. Drinking is stupid. Gets you trouble. You do stupid things. I have a hard enough time managing myself sober.

I hate regret. I'm so hard on myself. I guess everyone makes mistakes. But it doesnt really matter if everyone else does it. My heart is still sunk in my chest.

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