Thursday, June 02, 2005

Insomnia.

It's nights like these when my mind begins to race and I start to think of things I probably shouldn't. These are the times when I reflect on my own life.. and all the things in my life I am not happy about. My faults, my weaknesses. This usually gets me to thinking about the larger picture. About the world in general, and how futile life really seems to be.

I don't believe in God. Ok, I wrote it. I feel sort of bad for just coming out and saying it like that. I know it's true though so I might as well not lie to myself any longer. Wow, I remember when I was younger and I couldnt' believe that all you needed to do to get into heaven was believe that Jesus died on the cross to save you from your sins. I distinctly remember thinking how easy that was and there had to be more to it than that. Well, it turns out it isn't so easy after all. Sure I would like to think there was more to life than this.. who wouldn't? I just don't see any proof that there is. And more importantly I don't feel it in my heart. I feel that we are really alone here. people make up god to make themselves feel better. People don't like the idea of being purposeless.. they don't like the idea of dying one day and becoming non-existance. It's a scary thought. All we know is being and then suddenly to just not be? how is that possible?

I think of how purposeless life really is. What the hell is life anyways? Why the hell does it exist? Plants and animals are all alike. We live and want to reproduce and then we die. But why do we want to reproduce? We are all just going to die. What's the purpose of that? Everything does it. Things that cannot even think just want to get their seeds sown so that there can be a next generation. WHY. Being make up purposes in their lives to ease their minds. yea, thats the easy way. I can't lie to myself though.

What a curse it is to be able to think hypothetically and abstractly. Wouldn't it be so much easier to just be ignorant of it all? Then I wouldn't be up at 2:30 in the morning asking myself these questions. I would just except the answer that life exists BECAUSE.

Have you ever thought what things would be like if there was no life? Could the universe just not exist? Or would it exist and just be barren? Only no one would ever know.. so if no one is there to know could it exist?

Where did this big rock come from? How do we know there arent millions of galaxy's just like ours? We know nothing. Think of all the knowledge out there.. we know so fucking little of it and half the stuff we assume to be truth probably is really false and like 2000 years down the line everything we value to be true now will probably be completely wrong. We'll never be the wiser, though.

I don't want to just die. I wish there was something more to life I really honestly do. But like I said before I can't lie to myself. And this is how I feel. I would give anything to be proved wrong. But until then, maybe there will be many more sleepless nights in store.

I probably make no sense.

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