Monday, May 09, 2005

Worried Dizziness

I keep worrying today. I'm afraid it is all gonna happen again. I was doing so good for awhile there. Then the other day.. in the car.. it started again. I was so disapointed in myself. I thought I had overcome this all. Then today I had some bad thoughts. I am never going to be normal. I can't handle anything.. ok stop thinking about it.

It only leads to trouble. But the trouble is, I can't stop thinking. I wish there was an off/on switch on your brain. I would turn it off and leave it there. Damnit. When I think of all the things I have to do this summer, I want to crawl into my bed and never come out.

I hate this week. I feel good too. I feel good that I can work for something, I have been so damn lazy the entire semester. Now it's my chance to get back on top of things. To prove to myself that I still have it in me. But I would rather be drinking and watching reality TV.

I like to pack up my room. Whenever I feel like I just can't stand this place I pack up a box. It reminds me that soon I'll be outta here. It's getting closer.

I wish I had the perfect body, the perfect soul, the perfect personality. One that just attracted people, it was inevitable. I hate how I am so shy and akward. I wish I had the flattest stomache ever, the prettiest face. I wish I could turn heads. With out a doubt gorgeous. It couldn't be disputed. I sound so vain. It makes life easier that way. But then again, even if I was drop dead gorgeous I might not even know it and be just as unhappy as I am now. Funny how life works like that. All about perspectives. Damn, I wish I could get some new ones.

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