Wednesday, May 18, 2005

well I had been looking forward to today for awhile now. so of course something bad had to happen. I'm just so mad at myself right now. I don't know what to do. I'm such a fucking failure, a fucking mess. I hate myself. I just don't know what to do about it. But if it doesnt get better then I can't fucking do this anymore. I just feel like screaming. Or sleeping and never waking up again. I have to lie more. I have to keep it all a damn secret. Sometimes I think if I weren't here how would people react. And I know they would be hurt/sad but then I think how they shouldn't be. I'm not fucking worth getting upset over. I can't even do the simplest of fucking things. I disapoint myself. God damnit. Fuck it. WHo the hell knows what I am going to do. But I can't do THIS. I just want to go into my mom's room right now and cry to her and tell her everything but I can't. Why can't I?? I hate people knowing how fucking weak I am and how I can't fix anything. I wish I had control I wish I dind't have to cry alone in my room and pretend I was fine. I just want to go to sleep but there is shit all over my bed and I'm afraid I would never get up again.


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