Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Reflections.

It feels so damn good to be home. All the stress, everything associated with school is far away and out of mind. I can't be stressed at home. It is near impossible. I love my huge room with my comfy bed, everything in it's place. I have room to actually move around. I have a kitchen. My own bathroom. I don't have physics, I don't have physiology, I don't have three labs or 8ams. I'm so thankful to put last year behind me. It had to be the worst year of my life.

I should have known last summer that something wasn't right. And indeed I think I do, I was just too embarassed and scared to do anything about it. Then it was too late and it blew up in my face. I never knew I could be scared to exist. It really is a strange thought. But to be afraid to get up in the morning and walk outside.. and even hating sleeping because the nights were so damn restlessthat you were lucky to get just a few hours of consecutive sleep. It was pure hell. Afraid to walk across the street to the gym, to go to class, to walk in front of people. To feel your legs freeze up and you are just standing there unable to move. Going completely out of your way to avoid certain situations. Playing scenarios in your head before you do just about ANYTHING. Lying, hiding.. I almost dropped out school Fall semester. I would cry everytime I was alone in my room. It was utterly unbearable. Thank God for my mom, she was so good thorugh it all. I actually let her listen to me cry on the phone I was that desparate for help. I was a mess and I tired to hide it from as many people as possible. I had to lie to my best friends because I was too embarassed to tell them I had an anxiety disorder. God, you are so trapped. Then I couldn't drive, the thought of driving scared me. I couldn't breath, I was dizzy, lightheaded all the time. Restless nights. I hate these thoughts.

I'm going to see a Psychiatrist and a therapist. My mom is behind me on this. I feel the axiety rising in me again. I'm having problems driving. It all just makes me so damn mad that I can't fix this myself. It makes me so damn mad that I am out of control of my life and I am flawed and I need help. I have to burden people around me. I don't want to be a burden. God, this is so crippling. I am so jealous of all these people who are normal. I'm alot better now.. I don't have physical symptoms but I still have the thoughts and I don't want it to escalate out of control.

I am just glad to be home.

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