Saturday, May 07, 2005

I'll probably regret this

Somedays I find myself so angry with God, which is weird because I always tell myself I don't believe in him. Then I get to thinking I must somehow do, if I can sit and be angry with him. I am mostly angry because he can let you feel the way you do and then leave you utterly alone. Then I say to Him, you must not exist because if you did you wouldn't do this. You wouldn't let me feel this way and then not be here to comfort me. But that leads me to my first point, if I didn't believe in God, I would never scorn him for not being there for me.

There have been countless times where I would close my eyes and say, "God please let me know you're here with me" and I'd open them foolishly expecting something to change. It never does. Foolishly expecting that there would be something waiting for me that would let me know God was really there for me. I have never felt not alone.

There are parts of me that wishes I could really belive in God. But I can't lie to myself and say I do when I just don't feel it. It crosses my mind frequently. I really wish I could have faith. But I can't. I won't fake it and as far as I'm concerned we really are alone. I feel so alone.

I feel like screaming sometimes when I think about all the unresolved issues I have buried inside me. Issues I can't ever let anyone else catch onto. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes I dont recognize the person I see staring back at me. How can that person be so normal when on the inside so conflicted so torn up?

I hate myself even more for being that way. Look at all I have. I have everyting anyone could possibly want how can I still have problems, still have issues?? It isn't fair to those who really have problems. I'm so weak, I'm so selfish. I should be happy. Why can't I be??

I'm still angry at my grandfather. Why couldn't I cry? Why did I have to pretend I was fine? Until I broke down and bawled in front of everyone. Why was he so selfish, so weak that he left my grandma alone to blame herself? I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be that weak.

I know I can never be good enough for anyone. I know I will always have problems and I can't burden anyone else with them. That's why I think, I should just end it now. Good thing I'm a coward I guess and would never be able to do it. I know I would hurt some people, couldn't do that to them even if they are foolish for actually letting themselves get upset over something like that. Everyday I think about it. I think about something. I think about being so damn scared of everything.

I'm sick of faking it.


Blogger Aeren said...

Well, quit overthinking things and be happy!

I understand what you were saying. I wish I could have faith too. But only if it's true. I hate being misled.

I believe religion is misleading. I also believe this life is the only thing you have for certain, so you had better use as much of it as possible to accomplish what is most important to you.

I'd be happy to talk to you sometime. (Sorry if I've weirded you out by scrawlin' all over your blog. hehe)

10:09 PM  

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