Thursday, May 19, 2005

Headaches.

I feel like a liar. A fake. I make it seem like I am ok. I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head right now. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking how I am only 21 years old. I have at least another 50-60 years left and oh God how I can't live like this. I can't seem to get rid of this headache. I'm afraid to leave the house. I just want to stay here and not have to drive anywhere. I'm scared. And I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I don't want to be one of those people who complain about their lives and make people feel burdened around them. I don't want to bother anyone, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I just don't know what to do. I've been crying all day that is when I haven't been sleeping. Somehow I'm still tired. I just wish I could be young again. I think back and realize how I wasn't happy back then, but at least I could function. I didn't have this life consuming anxiety. I would rather be unhappy for the rest of my life. If I didn't have this issue I would be happy. God, everything in my life is so fucking good why am I like this? I don't get it. Everything is fitting into place. I have great friends, a great boyfriend, school is great, I'm actually on a great path about to apply to grad school.. so perfect. Then why can't I drive down the street? Last night just completely crushed me. It's never been that bad before. T came and picked me up and I freaked out in the car. I had never done that in the presence of somenoe else before. I felt so dumb. It crushed me, it crushed any hope I had that I was getting better. I have to start all over again, oh God that was so miserable. I'm scared. Oh God I wish I believed in you. That way I could at least have some kind of hope. I will not be one of those people either who only believe in God when their life is shitty. That is just fake. I have a headache.

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