Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I can't stop obsessing about everyting. It kept me up last night.

I was thinking of exactly how I was going to plan my day- get up, eat lunch, what exactly I would have for lunch- it had to be enough so I didn't have to eat fast food on campus.. how fast I could get to campus, how long I could study, how long I would take my test, studying before class, studying after class, would I come home? i had to, I would be starving. I wouldn't be able to study in my apartment- would I? I could maybe- for an hour, then eat and watch tv and study after.

Would I make a good enough grade to get an A?? Now that I have taken the test, I don't think I did! Omg, what if I messed up my 4.0 with such an easy class as that one was?? I would die. DIE. What if I mess up my last final?? After all that hard work??? Why do I even try?? It's not a big deal- why do I have to make it a big deal??

THen I think- why do guys always have to think you like them?? I odn't get it. Ugh. I hate it. I don't want to go out on Thursday. It will be weird- but A wants me to.. and will she take no for an answer??

I forgot to mail the bills. I always forget something!! Now we might have a late fee- ugh ugh ugh!!

I'm worried about eating right and not going to the gym.

I'm worried that I am so dumb I'm gonna screw everything up and I'm really disapointed in myself and I'm just in SUCH a bad mood.

I am going to bed. HOpefully?? Will my mind shut off for long enough that I can reach unconsciousness????

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Well, I had been feeling relatively well. Then all the sudden I have felt extremely depressed. I missed 5 classes last week due to extreme apathy. I don't want to do anything- I do want to drink a lot. All of this is bad. WHen I drink I drink to get so drunk I can't think. Yea, I'm thinking this may not be healthy.

I have begun to resent T slightly because of this and his inability to fucking pay attention to me. Why can't you come down one fucking night of the week? I'm sorry it doesn't fit into your "routine". I never wanted to be a routine to you. Something spontaneous maybe? Make me feel like you want me and love me and care. Long distance is hard. I need you here. I need someone.

I just want to cry and lay in my bed. I'm so sick of everyday. Ugh.

Monday, October 31, 2005

I lookin the mirror and don't know who've I become recently. I have been so damn careless and stupid and wrong and I really am beginning to hate the person I am turning into. It seems to be uncontrollable though. I vow to myself I will change but I just never do. If you would have asked me if I would ever do half the stuff I have done 5 years ago, you would have seen me be completely repulsed that you would even have to ask it.

Damn, I feel so lonely right now. It hit right after I got off the phone with T. I was just laying in bed staring at the ceiling and I realized just how lonely I feel. I'm worried about our relationship. I'm worried there is something missing. It's like we get along great, we make each laugh all the time. I love how he is so motivated and going places with his life and yet I still almost seem to be looking somewhere else for something- I don't know what. It crushes me though. I almost feel like I wish we could put our relationship on hold. It's not like I ultimately want to be with anybody but him- it's just like I feel I need this time- mylast year of no responsibility for myself. And he is so far away- I do get lonely. All the time. I feel like I never see him, I feel like he doesnt' hang out with my friends enough, I feel like I am missing out on some things because of him. ANd isn't that terrible? Souldn't that all not matter ifyou love someone? I have no doubt I love him. I just.. I just I don't even know. I'm so mad at myself for not knowing. SOmetimes I just want to go on a break with him but he wuld nevr go for that. I want to be with him in the end. Sometimes just not know and can that even be possible? It's just like I need to have my last little bit of guilt free crazy fun. If he liked to go out it would be no problem. It's just I feel bad going out and I usually end up doing something dumb and stupid and hating myself forever. I hate the guilt ofdoing what everyone else does. Yet, at the same tme it's like I don't want to do it.. God it's so confusing.

I wish I did have God in my life I can't even describe it. I wonder if I would get lonely then? It's just that I am missig something to live for- someone to look up to, to give me strength. It's just me here and well, I'm not doing too well on my own. Now where can I turn?

I always wished for abig sign so I could know God was there. If I need him so much why couldn't he just let me know?? I don't get it. I mean I knwo you arent supposed to test God, but I don't really think of it as testing.. just comforting someone who is really down on their faith at the moment.

I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this stuff. My friends are too gossipy. No one would understand and most importantly not judge me. I need someone who will accept me, and not look down on me.

I feel like I drink too damn much but it's like I can't stop. I've got to be some sort of alcoholic.

I'm messing up my damn life. All my plans. I worry I make too many plans. What if I miss out on something great because it wasn't in the original blueprints?

God, what am I doing?

Please guide me. I need a guide. I beg you. Help me. You said you help sinners well I feel like the biggest of all. Please.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It has been quite a long time since I have written in this thing. Since then a lot has been going through my mind. Mainly why I do the things I do. Does it mean that I am really not happy? I'm beginning to question myself about that a lot lately. Maybe it is because I am afraid and want to sabtoge myself? I think since I have this fear of failure I also have this subconscious sabatoging mechanism. It's like if I screw it up for myself, I can't fail, if one defines failing by being rejected by others, or failing in other's eyes. I tend to sabatoge a lot. I noticed this too in simple things such as playing a game of tennis. I can be ahead by so much and then all the sudden I friggin loose it. Hitting balls all over the place. How can this be all the sudden? I was doing good.. maybe it's because I'm afraid to fail when I really really try. Therefore, I am messing it up for myself. I don't know. That's the only thing I can really think of. I also feel I sabotage me and T's relationship some too. I won't really go into details. I am also lately in this fog of doubt. Am I really happy with it? Then I really want to get engaged but at the same time I think sometimes: what would it be like if I was with another person? I know that sounds completely awful. I know we have this great connection. Our senses of humor fit to the tee, he is smart and successful and motivated. He is nice to me. He loves me. PERFECT. So then why am I having doubts? I think it might have something to do with sex. It's just like I am always disapointed in that realm. I wonder if we had this amazing sex life, would it make a difference at all? Maybe not. But, I love this kid and I have no intentions on leaving him. Every now and then I just have these thoughts.. I think when he moves in December it will be a great time of enlightenment. I will get to see how things will work while he is out in the working world. How much will I miss him? How will things change in regards to us doing things ect. ect.

I think I am phsychologically flawed. Like most people. We all have our issues. I won't dwell too much here. I want happiness but am almost too afraid to let myself have it.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night having these insistant thoughts on how I needed to build up my self confidence. I know I do. Therapy again? So far it hasn't helped. I'm getting discouraged. But I guess I should try try try.

Time for a tiny nap before studying all night long.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm a bad fucking person. I am not going to tell a single soul. Something really bad needs to happen to me. I need to feel the bite of karma. Oh God, why am I so dumb?? I deserve this headache. This nausea. I deserve so much worse!

I hate hate hate myself. I'm weak. I'm dumb.

I don't want to talk to T. I thought about not answering my phone. I'm a dumb bitch.

I hate myself. I really really really do. Fucking bitch.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I am bored.

And tired.

My body feels SO worn out. I'm a little worried about it.

I could barely walk up the hill after one of my classes.

I was shaking.

I'm so tired no matter how much I sleep.

I wonder if anything's wrong or if it's just my mind??

I can never really tell, I tend to be quite the hypochondriac.

But I guess I can't really fake shaking.. so yea...


It's gonna rain for the ACL fest.

Come on.. something positive come my way!!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Once again I am realizing how lucky I am. Lucky that I was born into a loving family that is functional...

A guest speaker came into to talk in one of my classes today. Really messed up some of the things parents do to their children. Cutting themselves in front of them, hoping they commit suicide so that they can get into their child's trust fund. It sounds too horrible to be true.. but alas it is. And that is just really really sad. It makes me appriciate my parents and family so much more. I love them, I really do. I know they would be there for me if I ever needed them.

I am being too much a friggin girl. I am having that "fat" time now. I just feel so grossssss. And like I should go to the gym.. just so I feel better about myself but I'm too busy/tired/lazy to walk all the way to campus just for that. I hate being like this though because I know I'm not fat. I just feel like I'm getting a little pudge but I know people would kill me if I complained of this out loud. Why do girls have such self image issues?

I'm a little miffed at myself for skipping class today. But, I really really needed to sleep in. ANd I've learned all this stuff before.. so I think I will be ok.. but I am just not the type of person to ever skip.

Another long day coming up.